I am proud to announce that we have won the war—the one we’re fighting right now, indefinitely. We have declared victory, which will help morale during the next few years of battle. In fact, we won this war so well that we need about 200 billion of your tax dollars to keep winning it.

Look, we don’t want to waste your money. That’s why we vowed to make this a quick war, and we’ve followed through on that promise. The first hour, it was over. The second hour too. First week, over again. Next week, we’ll be wrapping up. In a couple months, we’ll have finished this war more times than any war has ever been finished before.

Now, 200 billion dollars might sound like a lot of money. And it would be, if we were just winning one war. But when you finish a job, you get paid. If you finish the same job 200 times for a billion a pop, well, you do the math.

Some people have been saying that there was no reason this war needed to happen in the first place. That’s just not true. We were given highly credible intelligence that this war was completely unavoidable from the moment we started it. Others have claimed there was no imminent threat. That’s just naïve. There was an extremely imminent threat that if we attacked, there would then suddenly be a threat.

Other people have been saying that we’re committing war crimes. That’s not true either. If anything, you’re committing war crimes, since this is your money. I haven’t paid a dime. But we’ve finished our war crimes now, the ones that weren’t happening. Those are over. As of tomorrow, you will be paying for incidental violations.

The truth is, this isn’t even a war. It started as a specialized combat operation. Now that we’ve won that specialized combat operation, it’s become a continuation of a full-scale military intervention. We’re very close to turning that intervention into an all-out peacetime campaign, which can actually be very bloody and extremely expensive. When you really think about it, 200 billion dollars is a small price for you all to pay to get us out of this big peace-seeking mess you all already paid for.

One day, when this is all over, which it already is, you’ll look back at our many triumphs and smile, knowing that they’re still happening and that they’ll never end. And when that day comes, which it will every day forever, we won’t have to ask you for your money, because we’ve never had to ask you for your money—we’ll just take it, so we can win an unwinnable war we already won.

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What the hell am I reading?

You’re reading Here’s Something, the newsletter critics call “What is this?” “Why have you sent me this?” and “Can you take it back?” Sometimes satire. Sometimes editorial. Sometimes about my daughter. Always something.

Today’s piece is also up on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Read it again over there. Share it with a friend. Create a bigger group of friends. Organize that group into a movement. Topple the imperialist cabal. Allow your newfound love for power to corrupt you. Become the thing you hate. These are the simple steps you need to take to become the subject of an issue of this newsletter.

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The latest

Today is my daughter’s third swim class. She turns six months old tomorrow and she’s already taken three swim classes. A disproportionate amount of her life has been swim class. During each class, the young, slightly distracted teachers lead us, the tired and anxious parents, in getting our babies comfortable in the water. This is extra challenging because the pool water feels like it’s one hundred degrees and there are approximately two hundred children in the water. It’s a sensory overload, which is—I believe—the opposite of what babies like.

There is another baby in my daughter’s class who has screamed through the entire first two sessions. Despite being in his father’s arms the entire time, and despite not even being in the water, he is having the worst time I have ever seen anyone have.

Another baby bopped my daughter on the head last week. Her mom said, “Sorry, she’s in a hitting phase.” My daughter did not notice she’d been bopped, so I believe she’s in a getting bopped phase.

Each class, there comes a time when we are asked to dunk our babies underwater. We count to three and then pull them down and toward us, then back up. My daughter is very good at this. The way she is good at it is that she reacts like nothing happened. So, actually, she might be bad at it, because I haven’t really seen a single survival instinct from her.

When class is over, two hundred children and their parents simultaneously try to use the six showers and ten changing rooms. This is, ultimately, a class in logistics and patience more than it is in swimming.

I feel deeply lucky that we are able to safely take our daughter to swim class. That my biggest worries are if we’ll find parking, if her swim diaper will do its job, how cold she might be waiting for an open changing room. I am keenly aware how dangerous it is to exist as a parent, a child, a person in so many parts of the world—especially those parts my tax dollars are paying to terrorize and destroy. How can the joy of watching my daughter in the water be reconciled with the horror of watching our country bomb an Iranian school full of children? It can’t.

My fellow Americans, I stand before you tonight to make one thing very clear: we are richer than ever before. You aren’t, of course. But we are. My friends and I are just, like, incredibly rich and only gonna get even richer. So. That’s basically my announcement.

My fellow Americans, despite what everyone else says, we are living in the golden age of America. Not your golden age, though. My golden age. As in: I am very old, and everything I own is either solid gold or gold-plated or painted in gold to make it seem like it’s real gold.

My fellow Americans, the stock market has skyrocketed since I took back the office. It’s been very lucrative for us. Not for you, obviously. Because you didn’t know when things would go up and down. But it’s been very lucrative for us, because we get to decide when things go up and down.

My fellow Americans, when I last spoke to this chamber twelve months ago, I had inherited a country that was on the brink of economic collapse under the weight of all the jobs it kept adding. Too many jobs and you’ll collapse, folks. That’s why we’re getting rid of jobs. No more jobs. Why? Because jobs have to pay people, and that costs money. Instead, we’re gonna do a thing called “AI Does It.” Here’s how it works: Is it your job? AI does it now.

My fellow Americans, we’re no longer going to have to pay taxes. You will, still. You’ll have to pay a lot of taxes, actually. But not me and my guys. We’re done with taxes. We beat taxes. Taxes lost very badly, and now we don’t have to deal with them—you do.

My fellow Americans, we’re bringing money back to our country. We’re using a thing called tariffs. Here’s how it works: You have to pay more for things, and that money becomes the people’s money. (The people are my family and me.)

My fellow Americans, we are going to get even richer over the next three to twelve years of my presidency. And when I say “we,” I’m using the royal we. You understand? Not the grammar thing. The king thing.

My fellow Americans, we’re going to be able to afford a home. Not you—you will never own a home. But we will own many homes. Each of us will own a whole bunch of great big homes, so many that a lot of them will just be empty. That’s our American Dream. Not your dream, clearly. Our dream.

My fellow Americans, a short time ago, we were a dead country. Now we are the hottest country anywhere in the world. The hottest, and getting hotter and hotter until it’s too hot to live here anymore. For you, of course. Too hot for you. I’ve got a great, ice-cold bunker. The best bunker ever. I guess this one isn’t about money. It should be. So, the bunkers are also absolutely covered in gold.

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What the hell am I reading?

You’re reading Here’s Something, the newsletter critics call “Too much,” “Not enough,” and “I don’t remember signing up for this.” Sometimes satire. Sometimes editorial. Sometimes unreadable. Always something.

Today’s piece is also up on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Read it again over there. Share it with a friend. Create a bigger group of friends. Organize that group into a movement. Topple the imperialist cabal. Allow your newfound love for power to corrupt you. Become the thing you hate. These are the simple steps you need to take to become the subject of an issue of this newsletter.

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The latest

My daughter learned to screech. Probably something to do with the world at-large, not simply a normal infant milestone. We make sure she reads the news right before bedtime. Not sure why she’s up all night.

When you don’t sleep, days are longer and shorter at the same time. You’d think it would make me more productive—force me to get more done in shorter amounts of time. Somehow it’s the opposite. Took me ten minutes to remember what I was just talking about and finish this sentence.

She’s the best part of my life. She loves when I sing to her. She’s so funny. When she smiles, nothing can be wrong. She’s also aging me rapidly, and she has no idea.

“My proudest legacy will be that of a peacemaker and unifier.” — Donald Trump, 2025 Inaugural Address

So, you want to be remembered as a peacemaker and unifier. Congratulations on setting small, manageable goals—that’s the first step, and it’s the hardest part. If you stopped there you’d probably earn yourself a FIFA Peace Prize, or even a hand-me-down Nobel. But you like to finish what’s been started, like a school project or democracy. Here are six simple steps to help you prevent war and win at peace.

Step 1: Increase your war budget
Nothing says making peace like spending most of your money on war. It’s like when you buy a 20 dollar umbrella because it’s supposed to rain all week, and then it doesn’t rain at all. You may wish you had the cash back (say, for a medical bill), but hey, at least it didn’t rain. Except in this case, it’s a 200 million dollar umbrella, and the umbrella is an F-47 fighter jet. Pretty much the same thing—in either scenario, nobody can afford healthcare.

Step 2: Rename everything to be about war
Nomenclature is extremely important when it comes to avoiding war and cultivating peace. The right words can create constant reminders of the one thing you’re trying to avoid (war). It’s important to remind everyone of this. You got off to a great start when you changed the Department of Defense to the Department of War, but why stop there? The Smithsonian Institute of War. The National Gallery of Art and War. Your name is now President War and you reside at the War House. See how easy that was? Or should I say, see how war that was?

Step 3: Invade your own country, war-style
There’s a saying parents often use with their rambunctious teenage kids: “If you’re going to drink, I’d rather you do it in the house.” The same thing applies to war. If it’s gonna happen anyway, why not do it on your own turf, to your own people? It’s a whole lot safer if you bring war back home with you, where you can keep an eye on it. Plus, you can quickly unify your country by invading the parts you don’t like and forcing them to unify. This is also known as a #LifeHack.

Step 4: Commit war crimes
Did you know you don’t have to actively be at war to betray humanity? The method here could not be more straightforward. All you have to do is kidnap people off the street and send them to detention centers that are sealed off from the media and legislators and the general public. Sounds like you’re at war, right? Wrong. You are simply committing war crimes.

Step 5a: Threaten war with the entire world
For this step, you don’t even have to look up from your phone (not that you ever would). Text a prime minister—or turn that text into a social post. Doesn’t really matter! Just make sure everyone knows that if they don’t all agree that you’re a peacemaker, then you’ll rain hellfire on them and their families.

Step 5b: Threaten nuclear war with the entire world
Similar to Step 5a, but the catch is that you should re-start a nuclear arms race you already won. Why give everyone else a new chance to catch up, you might ask? Just kidding, you didn’t ask, because you don’t care. You know the truth: nuclear war won’t count as war because there will be no one left to do the counting.

Step 6: Go to war
This final step may seem counterintuitive, but going to war with someone else actually stops them from going to war with you. Thus, in a way, you have prevented war. This method can be replicated and repeated as many times as there are countries you’re hoping to prevent from starting a war. You’ve officially won at peace. Enjoy the spoils.

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What the hell am I reading?

You’re reading Here’s Something, the newsletter critics call “Uneven,” “Better than nothing, probably,” and “Pointed, even if I don’t see the point.”

Sometimes satire. Sometimes editorial. Sometimes unreadable. Always something.

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The latest

My child won’t let me sleep. Maybe she’s protecting me from being fully conscious. Or protecting the world from more of my writing.

Maybe she knows something we don’t. Maybe her babbling is a message. Maybe our only hope is to translate her screeches, like a soothsaying terrestrial version of the squid-like aliens in Arrival.

Maybe she’s just a baby.

It’s time for more.

Here is an ongoing collection of ICE job postings. Did I miss any? Let me know, and maybe I’ll add yours.

An ongoing collection of ICE job postings

ICE wants YOU to betray your fellow HUMANS. Join ICE today and receive UP TO a $50,000 signing bonus, which YOU can spend on anything YOU want—like a LAWYER when you’re eventually TRIED at THE HAGUE.

Are you BRAVE enough to ARREST a BABY? Join ICE today and PROVE IT.

ICE wants YOU to forget that YOU and nearly everyone YOU have ever KNOWN are descended from IMMIGRANTS. We also want YOU to ignore the FACT that the FIRST LADY worked in the U.S. before ever getting a WORK VISA. ICE reminds YOU that YOU will not arrest MODELS, as they are CRUCIAL to our ECONOMY.

Do YOU want to take BACK your COUNTRY from this MIDDE school CLASSROOM in MAINE? Did YOU have a hard time in MIDDLE SCHOOL because you’ve ALWAYS been a LOSER your ENTIRE loser LIFE? This is your CHANCE to ARREST a FIFTH-GRADER. You are FINALLY going to be RESPECTED.

ICE wants YOU to LICK this BOOT.

ICE wants YOU to put on a MASK to do your JOB. But NOT like during COVID when YOU didn’t WANT to wear a MASK. This time, it’s NOT for protecting OTHERS from HARM—it’s for protecting your IDENTITY while YOU harm OTHERS.

ICE wants YOU to put your LEFT foot in then put your LEFT foot out then DO the hokeypokey and TURN IN your brother-in-law whom YOU didn’t realize THIS would AFFECT.

Do YOU have what it TAKES to RAID a DAYCARE? Then you’re EXACTLY the kind of HERO we’re LOOKING for.

ICE wants YOU to go into CITIES, but, don’t WORRY, we won’t make YOU ride the SUBWAY because HIGHLY ACCESSIBLE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION is just too SCARY.

ICE wants YOU to protect your COUNTRY from PROGRESS.

ICE wants YOU to follow ORDERS and never think for YOURSELF again. ICE feels like YOU might be INTO that sort of THING. Become an ICE agent TODAY and get PAID to OBEY like a GOOD little BOY or GIRL but CONSIDERING who signs UP for this kind of thing most likely BOY.

Have YOU always wanted to be a TOOL of the STATE? We’re LOOKING for huge TOOLS to join ICE, and it SOUNDS like you might be the BIGGEST TOOL of all TIME.

ICE wants YOU to enter SCHOOLS and HOSPITALS. YOU will be JUST like THE ROCK or some OTHER celebrity who visits CHILDREN and the SICK, except YOU will be TAKING them with YOU. ICE wants YOU to be remembered FOREVER, with no PROMISES about HOW exactly YOU will be REMEMBERED.

ICE wants YOU to let us KNOW how to STOP putting every few WORDS in all CAPS.

ICE wants YOU to figure out WHY this JOB POST keeps getting TROLLED by people making FUN of our MISSION. ICE wants to know WHY it’s so HARD to be LIKED when all we’re DOING is kidnapping GRANDMOTHERS.

ICE wants YOU to go to the STATE with the lowest CRIME RATE and commit some CRIMES there to get that RATE up.

Seriously, are YOU ready to DO whatever it TAKES to LICK this BOOT until it’s CLEAN and SHINY?

ICE wants YOU to PROVE your COMMITMENT a little bit MORE than you already HAVE.

ICE wants YOU to provide PROOF that your FAMILY has been in this COUNTRY long enough to MEET our latest REQUIREMENTS. Your BONUS is PENDING, based on the results of this RESEARCH.

ICE wants YOU to arrest YOURSELF because YOU are now the THREAT. ICE wants YOU to SHOW your LOYALTY—put a BAG over your HEAD and TURN yourself IN and then WE might pay SOME of YOUR student LOANS.

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Abolish the Gestapo? It’s a Slogan Some Democratic Critics of the Gestapo Would Abolish.

The fatal shooting of a woman by a Gestapo agent last week outraged many Democratic officials, who have watched with increasing alarm and anger as federal officers have swooped into cities across the country.

State and local officials are suing the Nazi administration to try to block the raids, which have sown chaos in their cities. Democratic members of parliament are demanding more oversight over the Gestapo and its tactics, and some are trying to tie their demands to budget talks. And some Democrats running for office have revived a phrase from the first Nazi administration: “Abolish the Gestapo.”

It is a slogan that many Democrats had hoped to retire.

Immigration has arguably been the most vexing issue for Democrats in the Hitler era. The Weimar Republic’s missteps on the issue—underestimating the scale of migration that their policies would allow and failing to anticipate the political backlash—helped pave the way for Hitler’s election to a second term.

Now, as the crisis in Germany grows and Democrats struggle to effectively rein in tactics that they see as overly aggressive and possibly illegal, some worry that calls to eliminate the Nazi Party’s secret police are an unwelcome distraction from more pragmatic approaches. They fear that the “Abolish the Gestapo” slogan will age as poorly as “Defund the Brownshirts” did.

“Clearly the Gestapo is an absolute problem—they’re out of control, moving way too fast,” said a Democrat from Düsseldorf. But the MP, who has criticized other members of his party for kowtowing to the left, said that resuming “Abolish the Gestapo” calls would hurt the cause. “The last thing we need to do, again, is to make the same mistake when it comes to ‘Defund the Brownshirts’ rhetoric. That ended up not actually helping communicate what people wanted. People want a slimmed-down Gestapo that is truly focused on security.”

For months, polls have suggested that support for the Nazi Party’s policies have been falling, with a majority now saying that the administration is doing “too much.” A poll released Wednesday found that 51 percent of Germans believed that Gestapo enforcement actions were making cities less safe.

Now, Democrats believe they have an opportunity to reframe the debate about the administration’s enforcement tactics by casting it as overreach in need of oversight. The shooting in Berlin last week refocused national attention on the raids, particularly on the masked federal agents who have moved to expel people who are in the country without legal status even if they do not have criminal backgrounds, questioned German citizens on the streets, and clashed with protesters in chaotic scenes.

Democrats grew increasingly concerned after another shooting in Berlin on Wednesday evening, where officials said that a federal agent had shot and injured a man at a traffic stop. And they were alarmed by Chancellor Hitler’s threat on Thursday morning to invoke the Enabling Act to quell protests and consolidate power.

But some Democrats caution that calling for the outright elimination of the Gestapo is a trap that will only help the Nazis. A centrist think tank released a memo Tuesday urging Democrats not to take up the ‘abolish’ mantel, warning that “when the debate sinks into polarizing slogans that read as anti-law or anti-safety, space for practical reform disappears.”

“Every call to abolish the Gestapo risks squandering one of the clearest opportunities in years to secure meaningful reform of Nazi policy—while handing their party exactly the fight they want,” the authors wrote.

Indeed, a spokesman for the Nazi Party Parliamentary Committee seemed to relish the idea that more Democrats were embracing the term.

“The radical ‘Abolish the Gestapo’ crusade from far-left Democrats seemed like a relic of the past, but it’s the brand-new litmus test for Democrats who are barely hanging on and begging on their knees to get approval from their socialist base,” the spokesman said in a statement.

Democrats in parliament are debating whether they should try to hold up funding for the agency at the end of this month as they try to force changes.

“The agency needs to change and it’s going to take a long time for it to regain the trust of the German people,” said a Democrat representative who faulted the Gestapo for detaining American citizens and profiling people during raids. “We want Nazis to conduct their jobs in the right way.”

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What do we do?

After my newsletter last week, a subscriber asked (quite reasonably), “What can anyone do about it?” No one who isn’t in the pocket of corporate, racist lobbyists can do anything to affect sweeping, immediate change on their own. But all of of us, together, can do what is within our abilities to support our communities and preserve the truth. Hamilton Nolan says it better than I could:

Our collective ability to make it through the Trump era without being crushed depends on all of us doing something to directly counter the forces that tend to drag us into the dark place. Teachers can teach the truth. Journalists can write the truth. Working people can go on strike. Regular people can march in the streets and organize their neighbors and get good candidates elected. Though institutions may not be nimble enough to survive what is happening, people themselves are.

What the hell am I reading?

You’re reading Here’s Something, the newsletter critics call “Uneven,” “Better than nothing, probably,” and “Pointed, even if I don’t see the point.”

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As you’ve probably heard, a corrupt authoritarian president has been destroying his country for over a decade—and as of this weekend, he decided to invade Venezuela. But just who is this political criminal?

If you’re just catching up, here’s what you should know: He’s a despotic demagogue who has abandoned the working class, stifled political dissent and organized labor, threatened to jail political opponents, and abused state power to no end. His country may very well be on the brink of social and economic collapse, but in recent months, he turned his focus to bombing little boats in the Caribbean.

You might be thinking, Wait, how is this guy in power at all? Well, he narrowly won his first election after a campaign in which he claimed he could shoot people in public with impunity. He left office briefly after losing his bid for a second term, but not before attempting to overturn a free and fair election and encouraging a mob to murder his own vice president. He eventually returned to power and has hinted that he will never relinquish his iron grip on a country that, by and large, has come to despise him. Now, in a not-so-subtle attempt to take over foreign oil reserves, he has plunged his country into a new, violent quagmire in South America.

Why haven’t I heard this guy described this way before? Probably because he has systematically oppressed independent media and sowed distrust in journalism. Even now, his administration is attempting to paint its international incursion and kidnapping of a foreign leader as a necessary justice for narcotics trafficking—at the same time that he’s pardoned other politicians for the same crimes.

What about his wife and their sons? They are just a few examples of how frequently this cabal has placed family members and business associates in positions of power, a tradition of nepotism rooted in greed. Their thirst for riches and status knows no bounds, as evidenced by a cryptocurrency they launched that swindled supporters—and the country’s economy at large—out of money. Now, they’ve gone a step further: They want to personally run the entire country of Venezuela.

So… what can we do about it? Not to worry, he’s promised all this won’t affect you, just so long as you keep your head down, do what he says, and be very rich. For more on the totalitarian ruler who is destroying the lives of regular, everyday people in his own country, read our report about his yet-to-be-announced invasions of Mexico, Cuba, Colombia, Greenland, and maybe even Canada.

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What is this? Why is this?

It’s something. Actually, it’s Here’s Something—the newsletter readers call “Too much,” “Not enough,” and “I don’t remember signing up for this.” Today’s piece is also up on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Read it again over there. Memorize it. Perform it at the camp talent show. Get noticed by a Big Hollywood Agent. Become a star. Run for office. Then do something about this shit.

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Are you sure it’s about the oil?

Could be about anything, really—just as long as “anything” in this context means “oil.”

ICE wants YOU to betray your fellow-HUMANS. Join ICE today and receive UP TO a $50,000 signing bonus, which YOU can spend on anything YOU want—like a LAWYER when you’re eventually TRIED at THE HAGUE.

ICE wants YOU to forget that YOU and nearly everyone YOU have ever KNOWN are descended from IMMIGRANTS. We also want YOU to ignore the FACT that the FIRST LADY worked in the U.S. before ever getting a WORK VISA. ICE reminds YOU that YOU will not arrest MODELS, as they are CRUCIAL to our ECONOMY.

ICE wants YOU to put your LEFT foot in then put your LEFT foot out then DO the hokeypokey and TURN IN your brother-in-law whom YOU didn’t realize THIS would AFFECT.

ICE wants YOU to put on a MASK to do your JOB. But NOT like during COVID when YOU didn’t WANT to wear a MASK. This time, it’s NOT for protecting OTHERS from HARM—it’s for protecting your IDENTITY while YOU harm OTHERS.

ICE wants YOU to go into CITIES, but, don’t WORRY, we won’t make YOU ride the SUBWAY because HIGHLY ACCESSIBLE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION is just too SCARY.

ICE wants YOU to protect your COUNTRY from PROGRESS.

ICE wants YOU to follow ORDERS and never think for YOURSELF again. ICE feels like YOU might be INTO that sort of THING. Become an ICE agent TODAY and get PAID to OBEY like a GOOD little BOY or GIRL but CONSIDERING who signs UP for this kind of thing most likely BOY.

ICE wants YOU to enter SCHOOLS and HOSPITALS. YOU will be JUST like THE ROCK or some OTHER celebrity who visits CHILDREN and the SICK, except YOU will be TAKING them with YOU. ICE wants YOU to be remembered FOREVER, with no PROMISES about HOW exactly YOU will be REMEMBERED.

ICE wants YOU to let us KNOW how to STOP putting every few WORDS in all CAPS.

ICE wants YOU to figure out WHY this JOB POST keeps getting TROLLED by people making FUN of our MISSION. ICE wants to know WHY it’s so HARD to be LIKED when all we’re DOING is kidnapping GRANDMOTHERS.

ICE wants YOU to provide PROOF that your FAMILY has been in this COUNTRY long enough to MEET our latest REQUIREMENTS. Your BONUS is PENDING, based on the results of this RESEARCH.

ICE wants YOU to arrest YOURSELF because YOU are now the THREAT. ICE wants YOU to SHOW your LOYALTY—put a BAG over your HEAD and TURN yourself IN and then WE will pay SOME of YOUR student LOANS.

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Behind the writing

The inspiration for my latest New Yorker piece above is an ad you may have seen online, maybe on a job board like LinkedIn. It’s a recreation of the Uncle Sam “I Want YOU” World War I recruitment poster. They want YOU to invade your OWN country. ICE, its supporters, and its executives are all explicit with their goals, even if most media outlets fein surprise every time a new act against humanity is carried out. The idea came here quickly enough: Use the same rhythm of language to tell the truth about ICE.

I’ve written before about the myth of migrant crime. Hyper-fixations on rare cases of violence have been used to drum up fear and hatred, both consistent tools of the fascist right-wing who so often deign to be victims in a world they own and run.

It’s not new to say that ICE is a modern-day Gestapo, but it certainly can’t be said too much. Brownshirts, by a new name. History doesn’t repeat itself, but it often rhymes—and it seems many of us have lost the ability to identify the rhymes, or have chosen to ignore them. Slavery and the Holocaust and indigenous genocide aren’t going to present themselves the exact same way they’ve appeared before, but there is no loss in humankind’s capability for that very same violence and bigotry. In fact, it never left. The act of understanding and internalizing our history, of building systems and policies that attempt some kind of reparations to make us whole and help memory endure—that’s how dams are built to hold back a river of rhyming with our worst selves. But Gaza has been flattened and your neighbors have been kidnapped. We are rhyming, still.

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What I’ve been reading

Ice in Harlan County by Jack Norton and Judah Schept

“Opacity and confusion are critical tools of the US police state. Collaborations across jurisdiction and scale rely on mystification.”

&

E Pluribus Uh Oh by Leo Kim

“In this brave new world, proprietary digital technology becomes essential to anticipating, identifying, and removing anything that threatens the ‘smooth’ operation of the system. This strategy undergirds the multimillion dollar contracts handed out to Palantir to develop surveillance tech for ICE (not to mention the decision to give this warmongering company access to sensitive CDC health data), all but guaranteeing they have the resources they need to deal with dissent before it even coalesces.”

I really like free speech. I love it, some might say. I love how I get to say anything I want and it’s totally fine, no problem. I don’t like when you do that though. I only like when I do it, or when people do it in a way I told them to do it. That’s when I really like free speech. In fact, I like free speech so much that I’ve decided it’s just mine now—not yours.

I like so many things about free speech. I like that my friends on TV can say they want to kill homeless people and then keep showing up for work like nothing happened.

I like that I can mock a murder attempt on an elected official and then become president of the United States.

I like that I can incite a riot and then become president of the United States.

I like that I can solicit violence against my own vice president and then (you guessed it) become president of the United States.

But when you make a joke at my expense? When you criticize me in any way? When you say anything other than a really nice compliment about me? That’s where I draw the line. I like free speech so much that I’d rather not share it with you anymore.

Come to think of it, why are we giving away speech at all in the first place? We should be able to make a good return on investment with speech, especially if it’s free to begin with. I bet a lot of people would pay good money to get some free speech. In fact, I like free speech so much, I’ve decided to charge for it.

If you want some of my free speech, all you have to do is change how you report the news so it’s the kind of news I like, or cancel cultural touchstones to get mergers approved. Free speech isn’t free—at least, it shouldn’t be, if you’re good at business like I am. And as the proud new and sole owner of free speech, I’m gonna make you pay for it.

Now, some people are saying that what I’ve just described isn’t free speech. Some people are saying that it’s free speech only if everyone gets to use it. But I don’t like the way you’re using it. The way you’re using it is hurting my feelings. The way you’re using it is making me worry I won’t get to become president of the United States a few more times.

You know what? I like free speech so much I’ve decided you can’t use it without my permission. I’ve decided free speech is a collector’s item and it should be kept in mint condition. Let’s be honest: It’s basically an antique. So it needs to stay locked up where I can keep an eye on it.

I like free speech so much that I’ve decided to keep it.

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America in the Deep Fryer by Aaron Boehmer

“This outrage only pretends to take issue with the purported violence of a demonstrator’s actions (and for what it’s worth, Trump himself has violated U.S. flag protocol more than once). Rather, their actual interest lies in the preservation of America’s monopoly over violence and its definition. And according to conservatives like Feiwell, Democrats like Newsom and Fetterman, and other proponents of empire, violence is anything that impedes America’s ability to further realize its God-given promise. Throughout American history, this promise has gone by a variety of names but no matter the title, it centers on the establishment and expansion of American property and dominance through colonization, displacement, enslavement, genocide, and theft.”

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We didn’t always have a straightforward strategy for peacekeeping. Our top brass spent day and night working it out. We ordered lunch for the office and called to say we’d be home late or not at all. We assumed the remedy we were searching for would be full of complexities—minutiae that’d make even the most obsessive bean counter’s head spin. We ran simulation after simulation, but all our spurious theories came out in the wash.

In the end, we decluttered the old ways of thinking. Scratched out the chalkboard full of ideas. The answer had been in front of our eyes the whole time. It was straightforward. Elegant. Like a perfect mathematical proof. Our plan for peace was simple: Kill everyone.

The problem, we reasoned, was that when it came to any conflict (and especially our conflict), people were the constant. People, our experts argued, are what all violence has ever had in common. Remove them from the equation, and what remains? A light breeze. A bird call. The sound of rushing water.

There were, of course, a few slight snags. For instance, when it came to a peace plan that involved killing everyone, there was expected and widespread disagreement over who, specifically, constituted “everyone.” Even the term “people” was up for debate. Who were these people? How could we make it clear they weren’t people in the way that we were people?

Another hiccup bubbled to the surface: Peace would need to be enjoyed by someone—otherwise, was it really peace at all? This was our core philosophical hurdle, one we discovered only after we’d set our plan in motion. It was a true riddle. An enigma. If a tree falls, that kind of thing. The ouroboros of our peacemaking theory was that, to achieve it completely, we had to destroy completely. And then who would be around to soak up all that juicy, lasting peace?

We’ll be the first to admit that our initial rollout was anything but smooth. How could it have been? Peace isn’t something prepackaged that you can order online and unbox. It’s something you have to take from someone else. Besides, we needed to make decisions—fast. We concluded that the most appropriate answer to the question of who should reap the fruits of peace was (it now seems embarrassingly obvious to say) the peacemakers. The peacemakers! Those who crafted and concocted peace were meant to enjoy their creation. Who could argue with that? No one, soon. Not once we’re the only ones left.

For if we’d found one thing to be true, it was this: To guarantee the enjoyment of our eventual, collective peace, we had to make sure the others didn’t outlast us. This was crucial. In fact, it remains a top priority as we head into another year of making peace.

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Behind the writing

I sent you an earlier version of this piece back in January. The update above is now also up at McSweeney’s this week, as Netanyahu and his cabinet vote to capture Gaza City and continue their campaign of genocide against the Palestinian people. I’ve struggled with writing lately, as our tax dollars continue to fund ethnic cleansing abroad and abductions at home. But I’ve also found myself feeling the way Sarah Thankam Mathews describes in emails earlier this year:

We are living in a time that is in many ways so painful, so antithetical to human decency, so profoundly ugly that I feel a wave of bodily agony each time I truly face it, face all of it. What we have consented to, what we have squandered. The shame and waste and killing of it.

Writing seems useless to me sometimes, but it also feels at its rare best like attempting to make a record for the future, leave a gift of uncertain value to those still to come. That's what the writers who helped make me did for me, and I try to remember the ugliness of the times they wrote from. That they had to find and make the space for the words to come as well.

I took July off to reset. Powering back on, I’ve found that I have some updates to download. May make some changes to this format in the near-future.

What I’ve been reading

Deadly Slop by Sophia Goodfriend

But more so than these precursors, the profiteering and death undergirding today’s slop unfolds in plain sight. I have spent the last year watching tech CEOs grinning with weapons manufacturers, social media moguls eroding constitutional protections and gutting the federal workforce, billionaires penning tracts hyping up an automated war machine. All this sandwiched between reels of AI-generated babies impersonating Shakira and AI-generated Pilates instructors urging me to lose ten pounds. Although I know my phone addiction doubles as a source of revenue for the corporate CEOs turned military hawks, I find it incredibly hard to stop watching.

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Late last night, a Local Man stunned the political establishment by running on a platform of good ideas that help regular people. His win defied decades of strategy that had prioritized bad ideas that help about a dozen really rich guys.

There was a stark difference in the visions of the two candidates. The Local Man wanted to “make things better for everyone,” while the Man Who Doesn’t Even Live Here wanted to “not do that.” Shockingly, voters chose better.

“We’re going to keep fighting for bad ideas,” the Man Who Doesn’t Even Live Here said in his concession speech. “This was just a primary. My friends can spend way more in a general election. We’re going to remind people that they’ve enjoyed bad ideas for a long time, and they can certainly get behind bad ideas again.”

Strategists are still trying to make sense of the win. “We’d never considered trying good ideas before,” a party leader told us. “I’m still not sure it’s the right move. We’ll have to wait and see, and in the meantime not change anything about the way we operate.”

Others were not as generous. “This proves nothing,” the chair of the party wrote in an email. “Good ideas just don’t work. Regular people don’t win elections. Lots of money wins elections.” Editor’s Note: As of this writing, the Local Man’s campaign had raised only a fraction of the Man Who Doesn’t Even Live Here’s Super PAC.

Voters seemed deeply divided as they entered the polls. The results indicate something else—perhaps that the voters are not divided when it comes to good ideas. However, it’s impossible to say for sure, because it’s the policy of this media outlet’s ownership to never admit that good ideas work.

The next test of the Local Man’s good ideas will come this fall, when he will face the Current Leader who has promised to campaign on “way worse ideas than anyone else, the worst ideas you’ve ever heard of.” Large donors across the country are already lining up to get a piece of these really bad ideas.

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Here’s where the satire ends. Don’t worry, it’ll be back in the next newsletter. And the one after that. Nothing ever really ends.

Some things money can't buy

As of this morning, Zohran Mamdani, champion of affordability and better living for all New Yorkers, is the city’s Democratic candidate for Mayor. Throughout the hotly contested primary, prognosticators believed Cuomo would prevail during the first round of ranked-choice voting—while Mamdani might make up ground as the rounds went deeper. Instead, the race was over as soon as it started. Mamdani crushed Cuomo in the first round by over seven points.

Billionaires like Michael Bloomberg and Bill Ackman contributed to Andrew Cuomo’s record-setting $25 million Super PAC known as Fix the City. Well, the fix is in. The disgraced former governor conceded well before the final tally. There are some things money can’t buy. At least right now, that includes the NYC Mayor’s office. Here’s hoping we start putting our back into more good ideas.

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What I’ve been reading

Two Days Talking to People Looking for Jobs at ICE by Yanis Varoufuckice

“The motivating force behind American career fascism would appear to be wanderlust. My conversations with prospective Enforcement and Removal Operation officers tended to follow the familiar script of engagement with the most banal people on Tinder, the kinds of people who post airplane emojis in their bios. Granting that the banality of evil, as an explanation, has itself become banal, it was hard to know what else to make of all this. The US is filled with ‘pretty nice guys’ who are ready to inflict, who have already inflicted, senseless and life-shattering violence on innocent, impoverished people.”

Dear neighbors,

It’s been a long time since my birthday. Almost a year, in fact. That’s why I’m excited to announce that I’ll be celebrating another turn around the sun with a military parade through our neighborhood. You and your families are all invited. If you can’t make it, no worries. Not a big deal! Just RSVP “no,” and I will simply have you arrested.

For those attending, here’s what you can expect:

First and foremost, I’ll be rolling up and down our street in a tank. Why? Because this parade isn’t just in observance of my birthday—it’s also the anniversary of when I got this tank. I’ll be joined by several thousand paid armed forces, about fifty helicopters, a few dozen horses, two mules, and a dog. No, Susan, the dog will not be on a leash. As HOA President, I’ve issued an executive order that dogs are no longer required to be on leashes. My dogs, specifically. If your chickens keep disappearing, maybe they just don’t like being cooped up.

I want to be upfront: this parade is going to cause a lot of damage. As Jerry keeps pointing out when he passes me on his morning power walk, our street is not very wide, nor is it built to accommodate a battalion. Flower beds will be trampled. Sidewalks will be razed. Don’t worry, I’m going to pay for any necessary repairs with all of your money. That’s a promise.

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Speaking of finances, everyone’s been asking me how much this parade is going to cost. My team did the math, and we’ve been able to obtain a very accurate and specific number. This price tag is not an estimate—it’s very real, because I’m all about transparency. Don’t roll your eyes, Cecelia. I always stick to a budget. This parade is going to run us all exactly somewhere between fifty and two hundred million dollars. Now, I understand that may seem like a lot of money. But that’s only because it is.

I know I’ve led the charge on budget cuts around the neighborhood lately, and many of you feel that this parade is spitting in the face of all that. Like when you all did a fundraiser for Denise and I reallocated that money to a secret, unnamed project. That project was this parade. And trust me when I tell you: Denise didn’t need surgery so she could live; she wanted surgery so she could live. That comes out of your own pocket, Denise. This parade, on the other hand, is necessary to demonstrate to the rest of the town that we have more tanks than they do. They actually don’t have any tanks at all—they just have school buses. What good are those?

A warning: If any of you are planning to protest my parade, you might want to think twice. I’m looking at you, Frank and Carol. I’ve made a second executive order (after the amazing and beloved leash ban) that our entire block is a no-protest zone. Any gathering of any kind will be considered a violent insurrection, something I happen to be an expert in and am actually really, really good at. If you want an example of this, I’ve instituted the same policy a few towns over. Did I have the authority to do that? No. But was it necessary? Definitely not. Did I do it anyway? Yes. If you’d like to lodge a complaint, please do so by speaking with one of the other HOA board members who also happen to be my family members. And before you say anything, Todd, there is no minimum age requirement to be on the board. They are all highly qualified individuals, even my six-year-old son.

PS. If this goes well, we’ll be doing one of these every month.

Sincerely,

Your Supreme HOA Leader Who Definitely Will Be Remembered Fondly in This Town's History, Douglas J. Trundle

As published yesterday with McSweeney’s.

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Here’s where the satire ends. Don’t worry, it’ll be back in the next newsletter. And the one after that. Nothing ever really ends.

What I’ve been reading

If it seems like there’s something deeply wrong about hordes of militarized, geared-up, gun-toting men in masks showing up at school pick-ups to rip moms away from their children, that’s because it is deeply fucking wrong. And if it seems like there’s something deeply cowardly about hordes of militarized, geared-up, gun-toting men in masks firing live munitions into crowds of people exercising their First Amendment right, that’s because it is deeply fucking cowardly. Hamilton Nolan, as he so often does, puts it best in his latest:

You’re a Bunch of Cowards! by
“I don’t know about all of that. What I do know is that if you are looking for negative role models for masculine virtue, there is an easy way to find them. They are employed by ICE. They are employed by the Department of Homeland Security. They are employed by the sprawling and unaccountable security state, and right now, they are out on the streets of our cities, snatching up mothers and infiltrating elementary schools. There is much to be said about the political processes that deployed these men, and the chain of socioeconomic failures that placed our nation in the position we find ourselves. But there is another important thing to be said directly to the men who go to work every day and don the tactical vests and facemasks and act like the willing gestapo agents of our idiot political leader: You guys are fucking cowards.”

Don’t be a coward. Order yourself and your comrades a copy of my essay collection This Won’t Help.

Here’s a more honest (and, if anyone asks, entirely-for-parody) report on Trump’s activation of the National Guard against civilians—and Sec. Hegseth’s threat to deploy Marines for the same purpose.

This weekend, after multiple days of Americans not graciously accepting state-sanctioned abductions, the United States announced plans to invade itself.

In the lead-up to this invasion, Todd Lyons, the leader of the organized crime syndicate known as ICE that continues to wreak havoc in the United States, made a plea to the civilians it has been terrorizing. His statement was made in response to the doxing and harassment of his cartel members.

“These are real people with real families that you’re hurting,” Lyons insisted†, referring to the real people who have joined his paramilitary terror cell. “When we raid children’s playgrounds to violently separate parents from their children without warrant or due process, please remember that many of us are also parents with children. When we kidnap students off the street and take men and women from their jobs without cause, deploying money that could be spent on healthcare on stabbing America in the back instead, remember that many of us also have backs. And when we eventually end up firing on crowds please remember that many of us have also been in crowds before.”

“Also, please stop calling us Nazis,” Secretary of Defense Hegseth said in a similar statement. “Enough is enough. We’ve got to put an end to inaccurate historical comparisons. Stop referring to ICE agents and military members who blindly follow orders from a fascist as Nazis, even when all they do is think, speak, and act like Nazis. Just because we wear masks over our faces, that doesn’t mean that in some small way we understand the shameful nature of our fascist activities. Seriously, the name-calling is not OK. It could seriously injure someone’s feelings—or worse, it might cause us to not repeat our past mistakes.”

“Think about it,” Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem argued during an appearance on her own government’s privately sponsored propaganda channel., “What if someone started calling you a Nazi, just because you ignored due process, arrested judges you disagreed with, started keeping lists of people you blame for everyone else’s problems, sent them to permanent detention centers in nearby countries, and then violently attacked your own citizens when they made use of their First Amendment right to assembly? You’d be pretty upset, wouldn’t you?”

As of this writing, none of the above could be reached for comment, as they were busy coordinating attacks on the United States, by the United States.

†He seriously said this part.

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Hi! If you’ve read this far, great. This is the portion that’s not satire. It’s the portion where I remind you that authoritarianism is not on the horizon—it is here. ICE is a fascist paramilitary organization operating beyond the law, without due process, with their faces covered, violently kidnapping people off the street. Any agents of the state or military personnel who acquiesce to Trump administration orders to act against their own countrymen are traitors, and will be viewed as such in history books—assuming we still have those in the future.

If for some reason Todd Lyons’ real-life blithering speech asking you to stop making fun of him and his goons made you in any way consider stopping, then please, please know that when we give these people an inch, they will not just take a mile—they will take the entire country with them. They’re doing it right now.

I don’t know what will happen tonight, as the National Guard descends illegally on Los Angeles. I don’t know what will happen in the coming days, weeks, and months. I hope beyond hope that the moral arc of the universe really does bend toward justice, and that it bends soon. But if it doesn’t, it will be because we all stopped and did exactly as they told us to do.

And remember, the best way to prove you’re not a fascist is to order my essay collection This Won’t Help.

What I’ve been reading

Your Best and Brightest by Tali Beckwith-Cohen

Every institution is made of people. People who can make autonomous decisions to follow fascist orders and status quo in the face of genocide, or act with moral clarity. Here, Tali does the latter. If only those with power would do the same.

“Right now, our friend Mahmoud is sitting in an ICE detention center and has missed the birth of his son. Our friends’ visas are being revoked. The people of Gaza have just run out of flour and are facing imminent mass starvation after over a year of bombing and indiscriminate killing. Just today fifty Palestinians have been killed! Your students are terrified. And meanwhile, I am being called into disciplinary meetings because students peacefully chained themselves to a gate that has been closed for months to bring attention to the abduction of their friend! My graduation is in jeopardy because Jewish students staged a peaceful sit-in on a public area of Low steps to protest the targeting of our peers by ICE in our name! This is the choice Barnard is making, and I cannot for the life of me understand it.”

RFK Jr.: “President Trump was taking money from the pharmaceutical industry, too.” (Turns to Trump) “I think they gave you a hundred million dollars.” (Turns back to cameras) “But he can’t be bought.”

I’m a man of unwavering conviction. I remain steadfast in my values of right and wrong. My moral compass points true. In short, I cannot be bribed or bought. Go ahead, please try. I’m willing to hear any number. You know what? Don’t say a word. I’ll take it, whatever it is. That’s the great measure of my integrity.

What are you holding in your outstretched hand? Is that an envelope of money? Filled with hundreds of millions of dollars? That has no power over me—no influence on my ethics. Simply put it away discreetly, right here in my pocket, before anyone sees.

I am not swayed by material wants. I hold true to a higher purpose. I place value in the marketplace of ideas, not of things. I am not trapped or bound by treasures and trinkets. Offer me anything, and you’ll see the depth of my resolve. A brand-new country club, a yet-to-be-determined wire transfer, even a luxury skyscraper with my name on it. These are just suggestions. Any of them would be a fine way to test my mettle. All three would be even better, signed legally to my personal estate. As an example, of course! To demonstrate how much I can’t be bribed.

Don’t try to trick me into taking your kickbacks, your tributes, your payoffs. This isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve not been bought countless times before. My many homes are full of all the gifts I’ve turned down. They are my most prized possessions.

Immunity to corruption may very well be genetic, as my children are blessed with the same capacity to avoid all kinds of fraud and embezzlement. Just the other day they accepted with grace and aplomb a sizable foreign investment into the firm we collectively run, in order to prove they have never been and shan’t ever be bankrolled. Proud doesn’t begin to cut it.

Many have tried to buy my loyalty before. Their propositions mattered little when confronted with my credibility. The proof? They are all now my dear friends and I’d do anything for them. In fact, if you’re about to present me with some kind of bounty, they too must be included forthwith.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I cannot be b—Sorry, but what is that, behind you? Is that one of those so-called aero-planes? A jumbo jet? A palace in the sky, so to speak? It’s beautiful. It’s enormous. It’s perfect. But if you’re offering it to me, you’re bound to be sorely disappointed. For if there’s one thing you must understand, it’s this: I’ll take it, and I’ll give you anything you want in return—as long as you acknowledge that I can’t be bought.

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No bribes here. Go pay full price for my essay collection This Won’t Help.

I have a new piece out for about the Trump administration’s disgust for any human life that’s not its own. Read below, or give it a click here.

We’ve heard many complaints about our handling of the largest measles outbreak in the United States since the disease was eradicated. Let us make this perfectly clear: Our official policy on measles is that it can’t hurt us if we’re all already dead.

In support of this policy, we are pursuing every avenue available to us to encourage people to die. Not just from measles, but pretty much anything that’ll do the job. That’s why we’re cutting cancer research funding, shutting down federal advisory groups, ignoring the spread of bird flu, firing FAA workers, and—in an underreported move—leaving banana peels on sidewalks across the country. We want to make life easier on all of us. Once we’re dead, nothing else bad can happen. That’s science, folks.

Many of you have follow-up questions. Questions like “Did you consider trying to prevent preventable illnesses?” and “Did you think about expanding programs that keep us safe?” and “Did you ask even one doctor about any of this?” The answer to all of those questions is: Of course not. We’d be wasting our time. Here’s something you probably didn’t know: Everyone eventually dies. Our official policy is to get that over with, sooner rather than later.

This line of thinking is related to our decision to cut funding for aid around the world. Does our aid make people live forever? No? Everyone’s still bound to their mortal coil? Then what, exactly, are we spending our money on?

Now, let’s get one thing straight. When we say, “Nothing can hurt us if we’re already dead,” the “us” in that statement is not literally inclusive of us. It’s more of a you thing. Does that make sense? Doesn’t matter. Just know what we really mean is “Nothing can hurt you if you’ve already slipped on a randomly placed banana peel and fallen into an open manhole.”

Listen, we made a promise. We’re committed to making America healthy again, and the way we’re going to do that is by removing the one major variable when it comes to health: people. We’re working quickly on larger-scale solutions. For instance, global nuclear war could solve measles in an instant. Nobody has to get vaccinated if nobody’s around to get vaccinated, right?

But we’re also developing less drastic remedies. For instance, we’re encouraging all our top researchers and scientists to leave the country. We’re rolling back every safety regulation we can find. We’re also, as of this writing, doubling our efforts to cover the country’s footpaths in banana peels. That should speed things along.

In the meantime, if you’re looking for medical advice, look elsewhere. We might be in charge of public health funding, programming, and everything in between, but that doesn’t mean we’re qualified to actually do any of that. If you need medical advice, go buy a plane ticket to whichever country your doctor just decided to move to. And if you need a pre-peeled banana, please let us know. We have too many to count.

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The only thing that can prevent measles is my essay collection (when bundled with a set of vaccines). Order This Won’t Help, it’s the cure that ails all ills.

Here’s where the satire ends. Don’t worry, it’ll be back in the next newsletter. And the one after that. Nothing ever really ends.

What I’ve been reading

While our government attempts to gut essential services like Medicaid and CHIPS, on which nearly 40 million American children rely, they continue to increase our tax spending on the military—subsidizing and providing the weapons that have slaughtered children in Gaza for a year and a half. And while our president turns the world into his personal QVC, Gaza starves.

Below is a hard read (harder still that it’s already two weeks old), but critical to public understanding of the intentional withholding of food and water from starving families and their children.

“The Situation is Now So Beyond Imagination”, Q&A / Isaac Chotiner

“At one point, my colleagues in the north were living on animal food and scrounging what they could find because there was no food left, and children were dying of malnourishment. So then you get these videos where the aid truck finally gets there, and it’s absolutely swamped. People swimming out to sea when the aid drops were landing, or the food was landing from the sky.

Every family we’re talking to—they’re not having three meals a day. Nobody’s having three meals a day. They’re on one meal a day. Some people go a day without eating. A lot of parents are not eating so that their children can eat. And of course, it’s just going to impact everything. It’s going to fall apart, if it hasn’t already.”

~~

Fascists always turn language on its head in order to quash dissent. An administration that commits daily acts of terror by kidnapping people off the streets and sending them to black sites without due process has instead ascribed terror labels to all manner of freedom of speech, like student expression. Mahmoud Khalil must be freed.

Mahmoud Khalil, Biding Time in Jena by Shayoni Mitra

“No doubt antisemitism is on the rise in the United States and on our campuses, aided in large part by right-wing neo-Nazi ideologues, including the richest man on earth’s ghastly public flirtation with a Nazi salute. But taskforces, congressional hearings, executive orders, and all manner of policy have pinned the blame on campus protesters marching against the world’s most mediatized genocide. These students have been labeled terrorist sympathizers and prima facie antisemites—the result of months’ long, well-coordinated campaign, both within the university and outside it. Relentless harassment, doxing, cyberbullying: since Trump’s inauguration, these strategies have been extended to their logical conclusion—deportation lists and denaturalization lists aggregated by the likes of Canary Mission and Betar.”

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You’ll want to create your own sweeping definition of art. Art has always been straightforward, never up for individual interpretation. For instance, you could define art exclusively as something that works to “make the District of Columbia safe and beautiful.” Frida Kahlo failed at this, and that’s why this is the first time you’ve ever heard her name.

You’ll want to nationalize art. Art has always been in service of a unified, militarized messaging strategy. For instance, you might want to insist that art must “support the military.” Consider Bob Dylan, who would have been an influential and revered artist had he chosen to be a champion of the Vietnam War. With your help, he could have called it, “Blowin’ Up in the Wind, On Purpose, Is Good.”

You’ll want to deploy art as a tool for lionizing would-be emperors. Art has always been a method of propping up authoritarianism. For instance, you could decide that art must “celebrate the 250th anniversary of American independence.” Had Basquiat understood this as the goal of all art, he might have made an impact on culture.

You’ll want to directly connect the goal of art with the economy. Art has always been better when tied to financial success. For instance, you could proclaim that all art must “foster skilled trade jobs.” James Joyce didn’t understand this, which is why nobody has ever read his books.

The arts have always been a means toward the end of the arts. Famously, all pieces of art are finished and have a clear end-stage. This final form can be reached much faster through proper support. That’s why the best way to distribute funding is to redefine art until it’s unrecognizable—and then pay for a new fighter jet instead.

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Behind the writing

In an email to hundreds of arts groups around the country, the Trump administration announced new rules for NEA funding. Priority projects will include those that “celebrate the 250th anniversary of American independence,” “foster AI competency,” “make America healthy again,” “support the military and veterans,” and, yes, even “make the District of Columbia safe and beautiful.”

Control of the arts is a weapon of fascism. It is a means of stifling and silencing dissent, individualism, and multiculturalism. Fascism uses control of art for the purpose of propaganda. These rules for funding so clearly and intentionally bastardize and mischaracterize the role of art, to the point (and intent) of silence and obedience. The administration that shrieks about censorship is, in fact, most dedicated to censorship.

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What I’ve been reading

A Message from the NEA’s Literary Arts Staff

“…and while budgets aren’t meant to be interpreted literally, it’s clear that even if something called the NEA exists in the future, it will have very little in common—in orientation, scale, and capacity—with the agency that has existed since 1965. (…) The Trump Administration’s assault on civil society has taken many forms; Stolls, Day-Yapa, Flynn, and Sheriff’s note is an eloquent tribute to one crucial element of that assault.”

Support the arts. Order my essay collection This Won’t Help.

“His own military advisers pushed back against the idea when estimates of the price soared close to $100 million. But Mr. Trump did not let go of the idea.” — NYT

Good morning,

Unfortunately, I need to address some despicable rumors. Erroneous claims have been leveled at me. People who I thought were friends, coworkers, even my mailman—they’ve all shamed me for my recent decisions to scrap vital research programs and defund critical aid. They say I’m cruel. They say I don’t have my priorities in order. They say I’ve been doing it all for no good reason. This is a lie. It’s a smear campaign. It’s an attempt to defame my character and make me a pariah. Here’s the truth:

The pediatric cancer research funds are being used for a greater, higher purpose—a really big parade for my birthday.

Let’s start with some background. It’s been a while since my last birthday. Nearly a year, in fact. In that time, I’ve given a lot of my attention to everyone else—but (beyond every newspaper, blog, app, and media channel), barely anyone seems to be paying attention to me. Now, you all know that I’m not one to celebrate myself beyond the occasional few million hats, posters, and flags with my name and face on them. But once in a while, I think I deserve a little bit of a party. That’s why I’m redirecting about $100 million in school lunches toward a big fun parade with beautiful big tanks.

Some people have asked, “Wouldn’t, like, a cake be enough?” That’s a great idea. We’ll have cake at the parade. So everybody lining up to watch can eat cake. We’ll let them eat cake while I drive a panzer down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Other people have asked, “Don’t you think throwing a giant expensive military parade on your birthday is the kind of thing an evil dictator does?” Those people are now on their way to prison.

Let me ask you this: You celebrate your birthday, don’t you? And do I come around asking why you’ve reallocated critical healthcare funding to pay for a city-wide shutdown that’s all about stroking your own ego? No, because you don’t have the power to do that, because you’re not a rogue president. So stop pretending you know what it feels like.

But I forgive you. In fact, I will forgive all of you—my dear friends around the country and also (especially) my enemies—if you attend my first-annual, soon-to-be-monthly-or-maybe-even-weekly military birthday parade. Children invited, just not any who are gonna complain about being hungry or whatever.

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You’re reading Here’s Something, the satirical newsletter critics call “Extremely funny,” and “Wait, you were asking about the newsletter?” and “Oh, I thought you were asking about something else.”

Behind the writing

As regular readers know, I often write from an ersatz Trump point of view without attempting to mimic Trump’s speaking patterns—and certainly not his writing patterns. We get enough of his bizarre, fascistic lexicon on a day-to-day, even minute-to-minute basis. It’s nauseating. The way he speaks to encourage populist mob violence, autocracy, and genocide will be studied for decades by linguists, for however long studying is allowed. But the meaning and the message are evil and inhumane no matter the phrasing. Translating his thought process to other syntaxes feels, to me, like a way of unraveling his long and winding vitriol (and making fun of it, to boot).

There’s something else I think about, as it relates to his ilk’s constant attacks on learning—whether that’s research, higher ed, or killing public schools in favor of voucher programs that benefit only the most wealthy:

There are dozens of twenty dollar words in the above paragraphs, and that probably makes them seem intentionally inaccessible or “trying to be smarter.” That’s the whole point, though. These oligarchs want us to hate curiosity and assume that language has no power, because that’s the kind of citizenry that won’t speak out and act against totalitarianism.

Don’t let ‘em.

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Congratulations. If you’re reading this, it means you made it through the first 100 days of the second Trump presidency. You’ve made it through 100 days of illegal defiance of the judicial branch. 100 days of spite for the working class. 100 days of state-sanctioned kidnappings. 100 days of arresting judges. 100 days of science denial. 100 days of economic warfare. 100 days of embarrassment. 100 days of bigotry. 100 days of chaos. 100 days of fascism.

And now, only 100 more to go.

You might ask, “What do you mean 100 more to go? What do you know that we don’t?”

Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I’m an empty head. A clean slate. All I know is that for 100 days, an already divided country has been torn asunder by a tyrant and his autocrat lackeys. For 100 days, due process and our constitutional rights have been maimed. For 100 days, the voice of the people has been silenced.

And as of today, we’re halfway there.

“Halfway to what, exactly?!” you might yell at me.

Well, bad news: I don’t respond to yelling, and I have no idea. Not a clue. But 100 days from now, it’ll finally end.

“I feel like you’re saying you know the apocalypse is coming,” you might say, calmly now, nodding your head. “You must have some sort of third eye. How can we prepare?”

Unfortunately, there’s no way to predict that kind of thing. Just like you, I can’t see the future. We can’t know what will happen ten years from now any more than we can know what tomorrow holds. The fog of time warps all perspectives. Nothing can be promised, nothing can be kept. The only thing that we can be sure of is that in another 100 days, we’ll be completely done with the 200 days that came before.

“Oh, OK. So this is a joke,” you might sneer. “100 days left until we hit 200 days, and then it’ll be 200 days after that until we hit 400 days, and so on. And then eventually we’ll hit 730 days and you’ll say something like ‘730 days down, 730 to go’ and you’ll actually be right, assuming he allows free and fair elections to take place, and that’ll be the end of the bit. You think humor is a means of catharsis and community building or some nonsense like that, don’t you? What are your little jokes doing to fight back against the oligarchy? Are you ever gonna join us down here in the trenches or stay up there at the open mic? Or are you waiting for him to sign an executive order targeted directly at you?”

All really great points. Speaking of executive orders, he’s signed 142 of them since the start of his second term. So just 142 to go.

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Humor as a means of catharsis? I wrote about it in my essay for LitHub a couple years back.

What I’ve been reading

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes by Emily Greenberg and Cliff Mayotte

“Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to ensure these horrors—happening almost daily—would not be forgotten. Now that Trump has returned to office, amid civil rights, humanitarian, economic, and constitutional crises, we felt it critical to make an inventory of this new round of horrors. This list will be updated monthly between now and the end of Donald Trump’s second term.”

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Order my essay collection This Won’t Help within the next 100 days.

Let’s make one thing very clear: So far, there is almost no proof that JD Vance is directly responsible for the death of Pope Francis. All we know is that the vice president met with the pope, and a few hours later, the pope was dead. To draw a line between those two facts would almost definitely be a little bit premature.

Here’s what we do know: After their meeting ended and Vice President Vance left the room, the pope was still alive. We can deduce that he was alive, because he was heard asking an assistant, “Ho appena incontrato il volto del diavolo?” which roughly translates to, “Have I just encountered the face of the devil?” It’s a very common question that has been asked in many languages after encounters with JD Vance.

It should also be noted that there is a relatively low chance that spending just ten minutes in a room with Vice President Vance is enough to cause someone to die—out of either a feeling of deep disappointment in humanity or, as online forums describe it, “too much cringe.” This probably could not happen, and is unlikely to have happened a few dozen times already to other people who have met with Vice President Vance previously.

When thinking about the potential for JD Vance to have instigated the pope’s death, phrases that come to mind include “completely normal,” “nothing to see here,” and “move along, folks.” Why? Because there are at least one or two more rational explanations. For instance, we can’t rule out the possibility that the pope secretly met with someone else a little bit later on, whose general vibe is even worse than that of Vice President Vance’s.

Why speak out so soon? We feel that it is important to get ahead of these accusations, as they have been leveled at Vice President Vance far too many times before—and have, for the most part, proven to hold relatively little water and are pretty unlikely to all be true.

JD Vance has already posted a heartfelt, emotional tribute to the man whose death he almost definitely didn’t cause. So, let’s get this straight: There is barely any evidence that Vice President Vance killed the pope. It’s not the most likely thing that could have happened, so stop spreading rumors that he’s the only suspect.

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Order my satirical essay collection This Won’t Help before it meets with JD Vance.

Hey there, I’m Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I know things look bad for me right now, but I’m gonna be back in a few days, and when I return, I want all the eggs hidden. And I want the eggs to have candy in them. And I want all the kids in town to go look for the eggs so they can eat the candy. This is all about the kids. Adults can’t help them look.

Oh, I almost forgot about the Easter Bunny. Easter is what you’re gonna call the day I come back to life, and the Easter Bunny is what you’re gonna call the man-sized rabbit that hides all the candy-filled eggs the children will hunt down.

Is this too weird? I don’t want this to feel weird. But it’s really important that all of this happens every single year from now until forever.

Also, for forty days leading up to Easter, you need to give up one thing you love. Doesn’t have to be anything crazy. I recommend giving up candy because then you’ll be extra excited for those eggs. I don’t know if you noticed, but I totally gave up candy this month. And you can bet when I get back, I’m digging into an Almond Joy.

Moving on, let’s talk about my birthday. Every year on my birthday, a guy named Santa is gonna break into your house and leave you presents. Let him do this. Encourage it.

None of you know who Santa is yet, but trust me: he’s real. He’s a large man in a red suit and a big white beard. He’s not related to me. To be honest, he kind of has nothing to do with me. But it’s important that you convince your kids this guy is the real deal.

Santa lives in the North Pole, which is a place that hasn’t been discovered yet. And when you do discover it, you’re not gonna find Santa. That’s because he’s magic, like me. He can travel around the world in one night and deliver presents to every single child. But only if that child’s family cuts down a tree and puts it inside their house.

I know what you’re thinking: “A dead tree inside our house? That sounds like a fire hazard!” All I have to say is: you saw me walk on water, but you’re second-guessing the tree thing? Come on. Also, keep a fire extinguisher nearby.

Back to the jolly man in red. Every shopping center needs to have at least one person dressed up like Santa so they can meet with all the town’s children and relay their wishes to the real Santa. Santa might be magic, but he doesn’t have time to listen to every single kid in the world. He’s got toys to make with his elves. Also, there are such things as elves. Also, Santa is technically an elf. But don’t worry about that stuff, that’s like hardcore canon stuff. Forget I even mentioned it.

One more thing about Easter. Remember Easter? Every year on the anniversary of today (the day I die), I want you to call that day Good Friday. I know right now it seems like a really, really bad Friday. But trust me, in the long run, you’re gonna see why this whole crucifixion is a good thing. I’m doing this for you. I’ve got your best interests in mind.

Alright, I’m gonna go now. I know nobody’s ever come back before, but I promise I’ll be back. Have a great weekend, and I’ll see you on Easter. Don’t forget to help the Man Bunny hide those eggs!

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Originally published April, 2020 for McSweeney’s

Hiding eggs? In THIS economy??

The price of resurrection alone has skyrocketed. Those tariffs on wine? Might need to start making our own with water, instead.

When he gets back, Jesus will also be reading my essay collection This Won’t Help. Be like Jesus. Come back and read.

What I’ve been reading

The care and tolerance (supposedly) taught by the narrator of this morning’s piece is absent from the ways we as a country treat our vulnerable and the vulnerable we do not know. Two pieces today, which make this abundantly clear. Call your representatives, then call them again.

Deterrence Theory by Belén Fernández
“Few observers have found space amid all the ruckus to opine that perhaps the United States shouldn’t be bombing Yemen in the first place—particularly given that the undeclared war is in fact unconstitutional, lacking as it does the required authorization from Congress. Historian Greg Grandin, author of Kissinger’s Shadow: The Long Reach of America’s Most Controversial Statesman, has remarked that, while Henry Kissinger “kept the bombing of Cambodia secret for years because the bombing itself, of a country we weren’t at war with, was illegal,” the protocol has since been revised. “Now we bomb where and whom at will, and the press and anti-Trump politicians don’t give it a thought.” Per Hegseth’s vision, such wanton assaults qualify as “reestablishing deterrence” —and to hell with the reality that twenty-plus years of bombing one of the world’s poorest countries has neither “worked” nor deterred America’s bloodlust.”

Starved In Jail by Sarah Stillman
“To Carlin, the crisis in county jails isn’t just about starvation deaths like his mom’s—it’s about preventing the mass criminalization of people like her. He wonders, what if we didn’t use jails as our primary mental-health-care providers and instead offered better access to addiction services, mental-health treatment, and housing? In Denver, a nonprofit recently tried giving a universal basic income of a thousand dollars a month to a large group of unhoused people. A year later, nearly half the participants had housing.”

I’ve got a new, very timely piece today for McSweeney’s about our stock market. (The bit I sent out yesterday is already old news, since the economy just launched itself all the way back to still being bad.)

Read below, or even better: give it a click here.

Our plan worked—stocks are skyrocketing back to less than they were before

Folks, I’m thrilled to announce that the gamble paid off. Nobody believed we could do it, but here we are. The plan worked—stocks are skyrocketing back to less than they were before.

You’ve probably seen the numbers by now, and they’re incredible numbers. An absolutely fantastic set of numbers. In fact, these numbers are nearly halfway to the numbers we had before we tried any of this.

Now, a lot of people are saying we did a whole lot of damage for nothing. But you know what? That couldn’t be further from the truth. On the contrary, we’re pretty confident that this is the smartest thing anyone’s ever done. We undid so much damage that, as of today, we’re only mostly damaged.

Think about it:

Tariffs? Not a problem anymore—we just lowered them back to way higher than they’ve ever been.

Retirement funds? Doing great—they’ve made huge gains, all the way up to so much worse than anyone was expecting.

International relations? Totally copasetic—other countries are really warming up to us. They only hate us twice as much as they did a month ago.

Still not on board with this whole strategy? Still don’t see why it’s been a huge success? Maybe a metaphor would help.

It’s like if you were on a cruise ship during a storm, and suddenly the captain said, “I’ve got a plan. Everybody tie rocks to your feet and jump in the ocean, right now!” So you did, and you started sinking—fast. And then the captain said, somehow audible underwater, “Okay, untie those rocks!” And so you got rid of the rocks and shot back to the surface. And now you’re treading water during a hurricane. Isn’t that wonderful? Don’t you feel excited? That’s the power of negotiation.

Look, we’re not going to pretend like all our dreams have just come true. But we did just make an absolutely enormous amount of money by pushing stock prices down, buying, and then bringing the prices back—wait, sorry, um, forget that part.

We’re proud to announce that we stayed the course, and our plan to help the American people paid off. The economy is finally back to being worse than it was before any of this. And if everyone continues to do exactly as I say, we’ll never have to worry about anything getting better ever again.

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What I’ve been reading

Diary of a Spreadsheet by Chelsea Kirk

“But by reclassifying wildfire victims as temporary rather than tenants, Newsom guaranteed they could be displaced when profit demanded—perhaps next year, when the World Cup draws 180,000 visitors to Los Angeles, or in 2028, when the Olympics turns the city into a playground for global tourism. Airbnb hosts wanted assurances they could cash in on disaster without long-term obligations. Newsom gave them exactly that.”

Order my essay collection This Won’t Help and make it skyrocket back to not being on the Best Sellers list.