American football terms, as I understand them

“It’s the first Sunday of regular season NFL games” is a sentence I’ve never written before. Now I have. In honor of that, here are American football terms as I (an American who does not watch football) understand them.

Down
Every ten yards, players get sad that the game is closer to ending. Hence, they are “down.” Football is, primarily, about getting in touch with your feelings.

Touchdown
Worth six points. Seven, if you’re able to do it on the Hudson River after both your engines are disabled from collisions with birds.

Conversion
When a player is convinced by a priest to go try a different sport.