Answering Questions at the Climate Summit After My Speech in Support of Oil World
Answering Questions at the Climate Summit After My Speech in Support of Oil World
I have a new piece up on on McSweeney’s today! It’s my first non-excerpt for them since my book came out. Read it below, or give it a highly-prized click right here.
Answering Questions at the Climate Summit After My Speech in Support of Oil World
“At least 2,456 fossil fuel lobbyists have been granted access to the Cop28 climate negotiations, according to an analysis.”
— The Guardian
Why did you use your climate summit speech to promote Oil World?
Oil World is a global leader in fighting the climate crisis. No other country, industry, or program is doing as much as Oil World in this regard. With your support of Oil World, the long battle of the climate crisis will finally come to an end.
How?
The crisis will win.
And what, exactly, is Oil World?
It’s the solution to life on Earth. For too long, our planet has been home to us (give or take a few others). Oil World is a new version of Earth that’s entirely made of oil.
Nothing else?
That’s right, just oil.
To be clear: In the Oil World future, you’re not around either?
No, I’ll still be around. But my followers will know me as “Duke Diesel,” and they shall pay tribute to me in the form of more oil.
Are there any solutions to the climate crisis in which the world is not, as you’ve stated, covered in oil?
Sure. Unfortunately, they’re much less expensive in the long term. Besides, if we really want to get rid of nearly everyone on the planet, Oil World is by far our best option.
Most of us would prefer to stick around, though.
Ah, so you wish to serve at the pleasure of Duke Diesel!
No.
Then I’m not sure I follow.
Let’s try this: For those of us who would like the planet to stay at least as livable as it is right now, are there any alternatives to Oil World?
Certainly. Gas Kingdom comes to mind, which I also own.
Let me guess, Gas Kingdom is a version of Earth that’s covered in—
Covered in oil, yes.
Not gas?
The gas will come from the oil. And I will be the Wasteland’s shepherd, known to my flock as King Kerosene. And I shall tend to the climate with a steady hand so as not to disturb the delicate balance of the Gas Kingdom ecosystem.
Many would argue that our current ecosystem requires the same delicate balance you just described.
That should make the transition to the Wasteland simple, then.
Let’s say there’s a future that isn’t Oil World, Gas Kingdom, or any kind of methane-only serfdom.
Hard to imagine, but go on.
Scientists agree that to get there, we need to phase out fossil fuels entirely. Are you at all prepared to do that?
Yes, absolutely. Oil World agrees with our scientists.
That’s a relief. Wait, what do you mean your scientists?
Oil World University has bestowed the title of “scientist” to a number of our followers, all of whom agree that fossil fuels must be phased directly out of the ground and turned into oil.
That’s not what “phasing out” fossil fuels means.
Oil World University’s instructors would respectfully disagree. And they all have PhDs.
Your university grants doctorates?
No, we grant PhDs—Professionals in Heavy Diesel.
Right, of course.
Want one? All you need to do is pledge your allegiance to Oil World.
No thanks.
Then I regret to inform you that you can no longer count on King Kerosene for safe passage through the coming Wasteland.
Is there anything at all that could convince you to abandon your support for Oil World?
Great question. I’ll have to think about it. Let’s meet again in exactly one year, and I’ll let you know.
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Behind the writing
Sultan Ahmed Al Jaber is the president of COP28, the annual global climate negotiations. He also just so happens to be the head of the Abu Dhabi National Oil Company (ADNOC). Al Jaber began this year’s global climate summit by claiming that there is “no science” behind a demand for phasing out fossil fuels — and, as quoted above, there are about 2.5K fossil fuel lobbyists with access to the COP28 negotiations. It would be generous to say that this kind of Big Oil representation and sway at the world’s most important climate summit is strange. More accurately, it’s deeply damning.
A week or so ago, I started writing from the perspective of a fossil fuel lobbyist at COP28. Just playing around with it. I started trying to define the “Big Bad” when it comes to the climate. And the Big Bad is, at its most general, a lack of action. That’s not terribly tangible. So I projected that lack of action into its negative space: what we’re seeking when we don’t take action to curb emissions. That’s where Oil World came from. It’s got a goofy sound to it, but it also feels really ominous. Obviously there’s some Mad Max inspiration here, but I wanted to really highlight the lack of a long-term “prize” for anyone, even wealthy oil barons, when we destroy our planet. What’s left, when you just let it all play out? Not much. You’re King Kerosene of the Wasteland. You’re Duke Diesel to a group of sickos. You’re nothing, because nothing’s left.
Can we change the direction of the currents? Can we finally abandon Oil World and dethrone King Kerosene? Maybe! Let’s meet again in exactly one year, and we’ll find out.
That’s all for today. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you soon.