As the President of the United States, I Am Asking You to Please Solve This

---

“If the Court does overturn Roe… it will fall on voters to elect pro-choice officials this November.”—Joe Biden, a pro-choice official/President of the United States.

---

Hi there. Things are looking really bad right now. As you know, abortion rights across the country are in immediate danger. And as the President of the United States, I am asking you to solve this.

I, personally, can’t solve it. Like I said, I’m just the President of the United States. I’m basically nobody. But you’re somebody—you’re a voter. So you need to vote, or do whatever it is you do to get things done.

If you’re looking to me to do something about this, I’ve got some bad news for you: I’m only the most powerful person in the entire world. That’s it. The ceiling on what I can do is extremely low. Why is it so low? Because I get to decide where the ceiling is, and I’ve decided to lower it to floor level. It’s a ceilingfloor. It’s a new cool thing.

You, though, are beyond powerful. If the majority of you voters band together under one cause, there is nothing you cannot achieve¹. If you want change, all you need to do is vote². That’s right, your voice is your most powerful tool³.

And what’s my most powerful tool? That would be my cordless drill, baby. That thing is the opposite of my political promises: it’s indestructible. Buzz, buzz!

All my life, I’ve wanted to make a difference—to help others, and fight for change. Unfortunately, I became president, and now I can’t do that anymore.

Look: all I’m saying is that in this time of great unease and peril, you, the people, have all the power. And I should know a thing or two about power—I’m the literal President of the United States… and I’m asking you to please solve this.

---

Want to Help?

The Cut has compiled an array of places you can help abortion clinics and funds with your wallet, with those in hostile states listed first.

---

Want More?

Did you know that you can get two new short humor pieces from me every week, instead of just one? If you become a paid subscriber, you’ll get an additional short piece of comedy gold sent to your inbox every Sunday!

---

That’s all for this week—thanks for reading! Check in on your friends who are most affected by the potential destruction of Roe. Read as much as you can about it. Find a local protest. Volunteer. But also make time to sit, lie down, read, eat, and generally take care of yourself however you can.

1. With the exception of putting elected officials in office who reflect your views, which can only be achieved through gerrymandering and the Electoral College.

2. And also bankroll politicians with billions of dollars. Do you have a few billion dollars on you? Check your wallet. That could really help.

3. Unless wealthy and powerful people decide to just not listen to you.