We’re Canceling Student Loan Debt the Same Way We Cancel a Person
It’s us, the government. We saw the way you cancel people: you almost always do it half-assed. You cancel someone, they lay low for a while, then they keep doing all the same shit they used to do—the only real difference is now they can say they were “canceled.”
We love this method, and we’ve decided to apply it to student loan debt. Student loan debt might be canceled right now, but it’ll have its image rehabilitated in no time.
We’ll start by having student loan debt go on Dancing With the Stars. Then student loan debt will get a 60 Minutes special. Then, a tell-all book! Everyone loves a book full of insights and half-apologies.
Student loan debt may not get as far as starring in a sitcom on ABC after it’s been canceled, but honestly? Maybe FOX.
Either way, we can promise you two things:
We’re canceling student loan debt, and
Student loan debt is here to stay, baby!
Q&A about this email
Q: How would student loan debt go on Dancing With the Stars?
A: Fine, The Masked Singer.
Q: But how would it physically go on any TV show?
A: OK, I think I see what’s going on here—
Q: And how would student loan debt write a book? Is it sentient?
A: You see, it’s just a metaphor—
Q: I guess I can picture a 60 Minutes special on student loan debt, but how would it physically appear on 60 Minutes?
A: You’re right! You’re right. It was stupid. Stupid idea.
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That’s all for this week—thanks for reading! Goodbye.
Student loan debt is definitely getting its own Netflix comedy special.