You Are Now Defined by the Kind of Stove That Randomly Came With Your Apartment

We regret to inform you that you are now defined by the kind of stove that randomly came with your apartment. If you live with others please alert them to this developing situation: the stove assignment applies to them, too.

To be clear: The kind of stove you have—the one you had no role in choosing and pretty much got assigned based on how much you can pay for a home—is the only thing that matters anymore.

You are a Stove Person. Everything else about you is meaningless. Life is stoves now. Please plan accordingly.