“The Ultimate World Cruise, a 274-night voyage aboard the Serenade of the Seas by Royal Caribbean Cruises, departed from Miami on Dec. 10. The cruise, which promises passengers travel to more than 60 countries and almost a dozen world wonders during its course, was intended to give those aboard the opportunity to spend the months ‘bonding with like-minded explorers over global discoveries across all seven continents,’ according to Royal Caribbean’s website.” — NBC News
Day 1
Feeling grateful we’re finally able to take a vacation as a family. We didn’t see any Disney characters on board today, but we’ve still got five more nights — and the kids didn’t seem to care. They spent the whole afternoon at the pool, and I got to catch up on my reading. Can’t believe I finally have a nice, relaxing break. My boss told me not to even think about work until I’m back next week.
Day 2
We got on the wrong cruise.
Day 3
Next stop is Mexico. Hoping we can get off there, find a flight, and get back home in time for work and school. Wife is training to be an EMT, but can miss a few classes. Still no Disney characters, and I’ve been told there won’t be any. Kids are starting to get suspicious.
Day 8
The Mexico plan fell through. Boat was rerouted, cruise services told us we’ll be “going inside-out.” That means next stop is Japan, then Australia, then a zig-zag back and forth to a couple dozen other countries, and eventually back to Florida in a few months. Figuring out how to tell boss. Wife says I’m not allowed to book the trips anymore.
Day 23
Kids are pretty sad it’s not a Disney cruise. Finally had to tell them, after three weeks at sea.
Day 24
Bought a Cameo from a man dressed as Goofy, asked him to tell the kids that Mickey and the gang are thinking of them. Instead, fake Goofy went off on a rant about microchips in tap water. Kids don’t like Disney anymore. Or tap water. This trip is a bust.
Day 31
Finally decided to lean into the mistake of this trip and just enjoy it. Took a day-long excursion when we docked in Sydney, Australia. Ended up getting delayed en route back. We weren’t on the official manifest of the cruise, so they left without us. Had to hire a man with a fishing boat to chase down the cruise ship. Boss emailed to say I should probably look for new work.
Day 32
Fisherman gashed his leg fixing the motor. We’re moving again, but he’s lost a lot of blood. Told wife this could be some good hands-on training for her EMT classes. Wrong thing to say.
Day 33
Fisherman seems in good health. Kids want to talk to microchip Goofy again.
Day 35
We’ve been in pursuit for four nights now. We’re finally gaining.
Day 36
Caught the wrong ship off the coast of Senegal. Barely realized in time. It was headed to Australia. Never going there again. Got on phone with travel agency, they said our original ship is headed for Spain. Fisherman is invested on getting us back on our boat, says he’ll take us — says he’s “always wanted to see a Disney cruise.” Don’t have the heart to tell him.
Day 40
Finally back on original cruise. Fisherman is wandering the halls asking where “The Mouse” is. Kids have decided they don’t want to go home.
Day 46
Wife got us plane tix for when we dock in Iceland. We’ll fly home. Perfect.
Day 49
Missed de-boarding for the flight. Kids turned our phone alarms off. They didn’t want to fly home. Cruise is headed to Florida now. Second chance at a flight home. Kids think we’re going to Disney.
Day 53
Plan is set. Tomorrow we fly home from Florida. Ticket is booked, and we’re staying up all night so kids can’t trick us. Wife told them no Disney. Fisherman said, “We’ll see about that, won’t we.” Not sure what he means, or why he’s still staying with us.
Day 54
The moment we docked in Florida, Fisherman sprinted off the ship and hailed a cab to Orlando. We headed straight to the airport. Spending the night in a nearby hotel waiting for next available flight.
Day 55
It’s almost midnight, but we’ve boarded. We’re going home. Boss says replacement isn’t working out — I can come back. Wife seems happy for the first time in two months. Says she was even able to switch to a delayed training program. Things are looking up.
Day 56
Been on flight for over eight hours, most of it over an ocean. Strange.
Day 56
We’ve just been told we’re headed to New Zealand.
Day 56
We got on the wrong plane.
Order my collection, a New Yorker best book of 2023
My debut book This Won’t Help is out now — add it to your reading list this month! It’s a collection of satirical essays and stories, and it’s a New Yorker Best Book of 2023.
Behind the writing
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As for the above faux-captain’s log timeline of a cruise mishap, you probably got a good sense of the inspiration from the opening NBC News story. This (real, somehow) mega-cruise has gone viral on TikTok, as many influences are aboard. (I assume that at this point anyone on board has become an influencer, if they weren’t already.)
This is a kind of short story I especially enjoy writing — one where something reasonably everyday (or, in this case, in the public consciousness) spirals out of control, without losing the thread of what we all so often want: to get back home. For something in a similar vein, you should check out my old New Yorker piece, “Where I Was Each Time I Heard the News That Pete Davidson Was Dating a New Celebrity.”
I hope you enjoyed the trip, and I hope it never, ever happens to you.
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Good reviews help other people find the book. Good reviews keep the book on store shelves. And good reviews from good people like you can be trusted — anything critical is, of course, was likely written by a disgruntled AI chatbot.
That’s all for today. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you soon.
This had me cackling which is one of the best ways to start a Monday. The funniest thing about this piece to me is that, as with the best satire, this could happen. And metaphorically speaking, how many of us have felt we've booked the wrong cruise?