Fact-checkers are biased against the things I keep making up

“Fact checkers have been too politically biased and have destroyed more trust than they’ve created.”
—Mark Zuckerberg, announcing that Meta will end fact-checking

Anyone who knows me knows that I value truth and honesty—especially when it comes to the truth that I’m honestly tired of being corrected when I say totally fabricated, made-up nonsense. Something needs to change, and it’s not going to be the way I continue to create stranger and more dangerous alternate realities. Which is why I applaud the small business owners of my favorite social media conglomerate for getting rid of fact-checkers. They are simply too politically biased against the things I keep making up.

Need an example? No problem. I can invent plenty.

When I wrote, “Vaccines are full of microchips that turn you vegan and invert your Netflix show-to-ads ratio,” my post was flagged for misinformation. The dubious explanation was that, according to the fact-checkers, vaccines “are safe,” “don’t contain microchips,” “can’t change your diet,” and “We’re not sure what you mean by the Netflix thing, but that’s almost definitely not true either.”

So I, of course, posted the following: “An inverted show-to-ads ratio means that instead of ten minutes of your show and two minutes of ads, you suddenly have two minutes of your show and then ten minutes of ads. It happens when you get vaccinated, and that’s why vaccinated people upgrade their to no-ads, because they get bombarded with too many ads. It’s a way for Netflix to make more money—they probably developed the vaccines in the first place.”

And that post got flagged because, unfortunately, the truth is politically biased against bizarre theories I pull out of my ass. That’s why I couldn’t be happier we’re moving as fast as we can toward a post-truth world. We need to be able to be right when we are wrong.

Here’s another, who cares if it’s true:

I once saw a man write, “The media won’t report on it, but Trump also won in 2008. The 2008 election was stolen. One billion people committed voter fraud. This is why Heroes got worse!” His post was flagged because, apparently, “Trump didn’t run for political office in 2008, a year in which Barack Obama beat opponent John McCain by nearly ten million votes,” and “There are not even close to one billion people in the country,” and “Voter fraud in the US is so statistically rare as to have zero effect on elections,” and “Heroes did get worse, but that wasn’t because of the election, it was because they struggled to recover creatively after breaking mid-second season for a hard-fought, deeply important Writers’ Strike.”

We can’t say anything anymore unless it’s something that “actually happened.” Disgusting. But things are finally changing. Starting right now, you can say whatever you want. If it’s factually inaccurate, you won’t need to answer to the corporate shills who value a rigorous pursuit of truth—you’ll need to answer to everyone else using these apps who also loves to make stuff up. Finally, the way things ought to be: the mob gets to decide.

Think about how wonderful this will be: You might be an actual reporter and post something like, “Meta announces it will end fact-checking.” Then a community note can be added to your post that says, “This is misleading. Everything is still fact-checked, it’s simply all fact-checked collectively by people who bend the truth and totally make shit up. Also this kind of reporting causes your show-to-ad ratio to invert.”

And nobody will correct that, because we’ve all decided to agree that that’s a thing, even if it’s not.

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Q&A

Q: Wow, two newsletter pieces in two days?

A: We’ll see how long it lasts.

Q: Think we’ll get tired of you?

A: You stuck around this long.

Q: Worry there won’t be enough to write about?

A: Least of my worries.

Q: Biggest worry?

A: Only thing I have to fear is fear itself.

Q: Wow, that’s admirable.

A: Also death.

Q: What?

A: I deeply fear death.

Q: That’s not part of the quote.

A: It should be. Oh, and giant snakes.

Q: What do you mean by giant snakes? Like a python?

A: No, like a snake the size of a river.

Q: That’s not a thing.

A: Still scary.

Q: But it’s not a thing.

A: Community fact-check: It could be a thing.

Q: It couldn’t.

A: Community fact-check: You don’t know for sure.

Q: It never ends with you, does it? You can never just drop the bit.

A: Community fact-check: Correct. I’m afraid of being vulnerable.

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Community fact-check: If you don’t read This Won’t Help, your show-to-ad ratio will invert

My award-winning essay collection This Won’t Help is the perfect way to self-fact-check—so order in bulk! Don’t want to order online? Great thinking. Go to your local bookstore and ask them to purchase copies of my book in extremely high volume.

Here’s what some folks have said about This Won’t Help: