My fellow Americans, we are richer than ever before. Well, you aren’t, but we are.
My fellow Americans, I stand before you tonight to make one thing very clear: we are richer than ever before. You aren’t, of course. But we are. My friends and I are just, like, incredibly rich and only gonna get even richer. So. That’s basically my announcement.
My fellow Americans, despite what everyone else says, we are living in the golden age of America. Not your golden age, though. My golden age. As in: I am very old, and everything I own is either solid gold or gold-plated or painted in gold to make it seem like it’s real gold.
My fellow Americans, the stock market has skyrocketed since I took back the office. It’s been very lucrative for us. Not for you, obviously. Because you didn’t know when things would go up and down. But it’s been very lucrative for us, because we get to decide when things go up and down.
My fellow Americans, when I last spoke to this chamber twelve months ago, I had inherited a country that was on the brink of economic collapse under the weight of all the jobs it kept adding. Too many jobs and you’ll collapse, folks. That’s why we’re getting rid of jobs. No more jobs. Why? Because jobs have to pay people, and that costs money. Instead, we’re gonna do a thing called “AI Does It.” Here’s how it works: Is it your job? AI does it now.
My fellow Americans, we’re no longer going to have to pay taxes. You will, still. You’ll have to pay a lot of taxes, actually. But not me and my guys. We’re done with taxes. We beat taxes. Taxes lost very badly, and now we don’t have to deal with them—you do.
My fellow Americans, we’re bringing money back to our country. We’re using a thing called tariffs. Here’s how it works: You have to pay more for things, and that money becomes the people’s money. (The people are my family and me.)
My fellow Americans, we are going to get even richer over the next three to twelve years of my presidency. And when I say “we,” I’m using the royal we. You understand? Not the grammar thing. The king thing.
My fellow Americans, we’re going to be able to afford a home. Not you—you will never own a home. But we will own many homes. Each of us will own a whole bunch of great big homes, so many that a lot of them will just be empty. That’s our American Dream. Not your dream, clearly. Our dream.
My fellow Americans, a short time ago, we were a dead country. Now we are the hottest country anywhere in the world. The hottest, and getting hotter and hotter until it’s too hot to live here anymore. For you, of course. Too hot for you. I’ve got a great, ice-cold bunker. The best bunker ever. I guess this one isn’t about money. It should be. So, the bunkers are also absolutely covered in gold.
What the hell am I reading?
You’re reading Here’s Something, the newsletter critics call “Too much,” “Not enough,” and “I don’t remember signing up for this.” Sometimes satire. Sometimes editorial. Sometimes unreadable. Always something.
Today’s piece is also up on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Read it again over there. Share it with a friend. Create a bigger group of friends. Organize that group into a movement. Topple the imperialist cabal. Allow your newfound love for power to corrupt you. Become the thing you hate. These are the simple steps you need to take to become the subject of an issue of this newsletter.
The latest
My daughter learned to screech. Probably something to do with the world at-large, not simply a normal infant milestone. We make sure she reads the news right before bedtime. Not sure why she’s up all night.
When you don’t sleep, days are longer and shorter at the same time. You’d think it would make me more productive—force me to get more done in shorter amounts of time. Somehow it’s the opposite. Took me ten minutes to remember what I was just talking about and finish this sentence.
She’s the best part of my life. She loves when I sing to her. She’s so funny. When she smiles, nothing can be wrong. She’s also aging me rapidly, and she has no idea.