Finally, the right people control our money: a person
At long last, the right people are in charge of all our money: a person. Finally, we can rest assured that our money isn’t going anywhere it’s not supposed to go. In fact, our money won’t be going anywhere at all—not even back to us. Instead of many different people working together to decide how to spend our money, just one guy is doing that now. A perfect, streamlined system. Our money truly is safe because it’s staying where it belongs: in the hands of a guy who hoards money.
This is what we’ve been working for. This is what we fought for. This is who we voted for. Not literally, of course. We didn’t vote for him at all, actually. But this is what it’s all been about: to stop all a group of our representatives from spending our money on things they agree on, like feeding children or whatever, and instead redirect every single dollar right back to the world’s wealthiest man. Simple. Straightforward. Precise.
It’s a well-known fact that money’s safer when you keep it in one spot. Like in a bank. Or in a vault behind a painting. Or hiding it under a mattress. Think of this guy like he’s underneath our collective mattress, taking all our money, and putting it in a vault behind a painting he owns.
The best part, though? Our money won’t go to waste. Not all of it, at least. How do we know? He told us. He’s planning to spend our money on things the average person really needs, like rockets. Isn’t that exciting? You, me, and hundreds of millions of other Americans just helped him underpay other people to build him a personal spaceship, so he can take all our money out of the vault behind the painting and pile it into the cargo hold and take to the stars—where our money will be even safer, off-planet.
The future is now!
Q&A
Q: You really trust this guy?
A: What’s not to trust about a modern-day Nazi with a body shaped like Gru?
Q: Everything.
A: We’re sorry to inform you that your role is no longer necessary, please do not report to work tomorrow.
Q: What?
A: Exactly.
What I’ve been reading
“What’s happening here writ large is that for nearly a century the labor movement bought into a legalistic process governing labor power in which the government is supposed to be the referee. Now the referee is totally and completely in the pocket of the boss. The referee has been paid off and has left the playing field to go drink champagne in the owner’s box.”
Become a hoarder. Order as many copies of This Won’t Help as you can.
It’s time to take control and start hoarding resources. Read my essay collection This Won’t Help, best when ordered in bulk. Don’t want to buy it online? Great thinking. Go to your local bookstore and ask them to purchase copies of my book in bulk.
Let the right one in… to your Social Security payment system.
My rent check didn't go through this month. When I called my bank to find out what happened (I had plenty of money in my account to cover the payment), they told me that they decided that, rather than use the money I deposit in my account to cover my bills, from here on out they are going to give my deposits directly to their board of directors to do with it at they see fit.
I am debating whether to take my business elsewhere. But that seems like quite a bit of work.