Fundraising Emails From Assholes

May 11

SUBJECT: YOUR ASSHOLE GOVERNOR IS COUNTING ON YOU

Good morning,

As your asshole governor, it’s my duty to be an asshole, day in and day out. That’s why I’ve decided, once again, to pass the most asshole legislation you’ve heard of in your entire life. But being this big of an asshole costs money. And that’s where you come in. I’m not asking for much—whatever being an asshole is worth to you, that’s good enough for this humble asshole.

Signed,
Governor Asshole

SUBJECT: ASSHOLE-ENABLER RUNNING AGAIN

I’m so happy you decided to open this. I’m your asshole-enabler, and I’m running for re-election. Can I count on you to send me back to Washington to enable all the biggest assholes I can find?

SUBJECT: FWD THIS TO EVERY ASSHOLE YOU KNOW

Dear [YOUR NAME],

It’s me, your asshole senator. You elected me to do one thing, and one thing only: to be a total asshole. Well, I’m trying my best—but there are still some non-assholes in Washington, and they’re putting up quite a fight. Can you please spare some of your time, and send this fundraising link to as many assholes as you can think of?

SUBJECT: JOIN ME IN BEING AN ASSHOLE

Your email came up on a list of potential assholes. As a recent asshole myself, I can tell you that you’re really missing out. Why don’t you come to our next gathering, where we encourage each other to be even bigger assholes than we already are? Click here to sign up and become an asshole today!

SUBJECT: ASSHOLE NEEDS HELP

Hi there,

I’m one of the country’s biggest assholes, and I need your help. You see, I’m running out of ways to be an asshole. So please, if you can find it in your heart, donate whatever you can: an idea for a new way to be an asshole, a story about how you were once an asshole, or even just the name of an asshole you know. Anything helps.

P.S. Does this subject line work? Or does it just sound like I have a rash?

Want to not be an asshole?

Then learn about and donate to trans-led organizations. Start here, with the Trans Justice Funding Project.

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That’s all for this week—thanks for reading! Goodbye.