George Santos applies for a new job
Just under a year ago, I wrote a piece for The New Yorker in which I imagined the cover letter George Santos might one day write while applying for a new job. The time has finally come for that letter to shine. George, have at it. The rest of you, enjoy an excerpt (below) and a peek behind the writing.
You can read the full thing right here. Share it with your friends — one of them might be George Santos in disguise.
George Santos applies for a new job
To Whom It May Concern,
My name is George Santos Rockefeller. I have a wide breadth of experience that I believe makes me an excellent candidate for a position at your company, which is a company that I founded.
Let’s start with my educational experience. I’m an alum, of course, but I’m also one of many alumni. Harvard, Yale, the Sorbonne—these are all names of colleges. I got grades, and I sat down in various seats for numerous tests. And, during my school years, I took many classes—all of which I also taught.
After graduation, I started my own business: Amazon. But I soon gave it all up in pursuit of my life’s true calling: winning a Nobel Prize. I won, of course, but then I donated the prize and money and any mention of my name to an animal shelter that doesn’t have an address or phone number anymore. Do not try to contact them.
For a number of years, I worked in the financial sector at places like Citigroup and Goldman Sachs. I did such an amazing job that, if you ask my former bosses about me, they remain so stunned by my endeavors to this day that they’ll only respond, “Who?”
My next career was in the world of self-help. I travelled around giving sermons and healing people with my hands and was followed by twelve committed disciples…
Behind the writing
This was an exciting (and fun, of course) piece to write. I began jotting down rough ideas for it in December of 2022 when the first revelations about George’s many strange fabrications came to light. This was about a month after he flipped his district and won a seat in the House. I shelved the piece for a bit, and then came back to it when George took office this past January. In fact, I finished it on the same day the first calls came for his resignation on January 11. I heard the news that morning and immediately felt my tedious, slow creative drip turn (briefly) into a raging river. I fleshed out the faux cover letter in just over an hour and sent it to Emma, my editor at The New Yorker.
With topical satire, timing is (perhaps obviously) key. But I couldn’t have known how consistently topical this piece would continue to feel over the 11 months that followed its publication (and the past few days, especially). Thank you, George, if that’s your real name.
Emma green-lit the piece within an hour after I’d sent it. That’s the fastest turnaround I’ve experienced in my time contributing to the magazine. Of course, we had to go through an edit process, but it ran less than 24 hours later. In fact, it ran so quickly that George’s lie about being a “volleyball star” hit the news later that night, and there wasn’t time to add in a sports joke. Here’s the one I drafted up quickly, which never saw the light of day (in bold):
…and, during my school years, I took many classes—all of which I also taught. Additionally, I was the captain of my volleyball team, which won a football championship in the baseball league. Twice.
That one’s just for us. Thanks for reading.
This Won’t Help is a best book of 2023
My debut collection is on The New Yorker’s list of best books of the year! You have to scroll a bit, but it’s there. Have faith.
That’s all for today. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you soon.
xoxo
George Santos