George Santos Confesses to His Crimes

“Republican Rep. George Santos surrendered to federal authorities at a courthouse in suburban Long Island”
—NPR

My name is George Santos, and I confess to the following crimes:

I was one of the senators who stabbed Caesar in the back.

Also, I invented the Caesar Salad. That may not sound like a crime, but let’s be honest: it’s a criminally great dish.

I’m ma…