"He can't do that!"
State of the world got you down? Worried we might not have any more elections? Looking for something to say about it instead of do about it? We’ve got you covered:
He can’t do that!
This is a great phrase to mutter to yourself as you skim the morning news. Maybe he decided to close all the libraries. Maybe he just announced he’s going to blow up Australia. Maybe he told the world’s richest man to funnel all your retirement money into a crypto scam. Either way, he can’t do that—and it helps to say it out loud in a private space, instead of marching against the regime en masse in the streets.
Well, that’s not legal. Right? Seems illegal.
This is a good one because it’s almost always true. Better yet, you’ll sound like you’re still figuring it all out. Maybe he put a teenager in charge of the Federal Reserve. Maybe he fired every doctor in the country. Maybe he announced new tariffs on you, personally. Seems illegal. But is it? Might take a while to get a definitive answer. In the meantime, this is a perfect observation to make in hushed tones over coffee with a friend instead of organizing a protest.
Can you believe this?
A lot of what he’s doing is pretty hard to believe. This is a way to show that you’re not out of the loop—in fact, this is best said while walking into a room to announce the latest thing he did. Maybe he’s replacing all the water lines in the country with raw milk. Can you believe that? Ask again and then wait for an answer while you hope someone else will do something about it. Speaking of which, you could also consider saying…
Someone needs to do something about this.
Not you, of course. But somebody. You’re taking the reins with this one. People need to listen, and they need to act. Who needs to listen? Someone. What should they do? Something. The details aren’t important here. Maybe he’s sending anyone who doesn’t do the YMCA dance for him on command to a CIA black site. Maybe he’s turning the Kennedy Center into an MMA arena. Maybe he’s banning you from not being on TikTok. Not to worry. Say this phrase and everyone will immediately understand how seriously you’re taking all of this.
That’s bad. That’s really bad.
This is all about the qualifier. What he’s doing isn’t just bad—it’s also, it turns out, really bad. It’s a nice way to dismiss the possibility that there might be something you can do about any of it. Maybe he’s starting a land war with Canada. Maybe he’s taking bribes from foreign adversaries and then re-gifting the bribes to other foreign adversaries. Maybe he’s committing ethnic cleansing so he can build a gated community with a high-rise casino for his son-in-law to run. That’s bad. Like, really bad. Go ahead, say it to your coworker instead of joining a demonstration.
We’re toast.
Fun, short, food-related. What’s not to love? Toast is bread that’s finished. It’s done, just like us, as everyone seems to be saying. End of the line. Tapped out. This is the kind of thing you should say if you’re hoping to use cynicism to avoid standing up to a brazen fascist coup. But don’t worry—anything food-related will do! Did he consolidate power? “We’re toast.” Did he remove all checks and balances? “We’re fried.” Did he announce a national curfew? “Ugh. We’re cooked. Let’s see what’s on Netflix.”
Can’t find a phrase that feels appropriate? Try creating one yourself as a fun exercise. Just remember: saying he can’t do something won’t stop him from doing it. But you knew that.
Q&A
Q: All right, so why don’t you do something?
A: I did. I wrote this.
Q: That feels like the equivalent of saying “He can’t do that.”
A: No, it’s saying why saying “He can’t do that” won’t do anything.
Q: Still seems like you’re just saying something. You just said saying twice.
A: You just said saying twice.
Q: Because I was saying what you were saying.
A: Right.
Q: What?
A: We solved it.
What I’ve been reading
Unhuman Resources, Hannah Gais
“…it is here that we see the danger of Trump and Vance’s reliance on breathless livestreamers and social media CEOs who provide a perpetual motion machine of aesthetic grievance that distracts from the movement’s lack of coherent political doctrine or structural solutions.”
The US Attorney for NY’s southern District resigned rather than carry out the order to drop the charges against Adam’s. I’d like to think it’s because she read this.
Fun(?) fact: she’s a member of the Federalist Society.
You forgot one: "What will he think of NEXT?!"