Hearing Hoofbeats and Thinking Frogs
They say that when you hear hoofbeats, you should think horses—not zebras. This is because the most obvious explanation for something is usually the correct one. Well, as a republican politician, I like to take a different approach. When I hear hoofbeats, I think frogs.
“Do frogs even make hoofbeats?” you might ask. The answer, of course, is no. Frogs do not make hoofbeats. And that’s exactly why I’m thinking the frogs are the ones making the hoofbeats.
Hear me out: the frogs have, in all likelihood, dressed up in horse costumes that are equipped with realistic horse hooves. Those hoofbeats we’ve been hearing? They’re an incredibly accurate imitation of real horses, done by frogs.
“But what if you hear hoofbeats and see horses?” you might ask, “Would you think horses then?” Well, no! Those are the realistic horse costumes I’ve been talking about. Keep up!
Look: even if the horses came right up to me and said, in a human voice, “Hey, we’re horses,” I wouldn’t believe them. Instead, I would say back, “Horses don’t speak like humans! You must be talking frogs.” And they would quickly scamper away, or whatever frogs do, having been fully found out.
You might posit a scenario: “What if people were getting trampled by horses nearly every day? Would we think horses then?” To me, that’s an entirely different concern. Are we sure that the horses haven’t been encouraged to trample by the very frogs we’ve mostly been thinking about? I’d say there’s a real chance that the horses are a distraction.
“Wait, what?” you might say, “It’s an idiom, it’s not a literal thing that’s going on. What are the frogs representing in your metaphor?” And to that I’d say, “Frogs. They’re representing real actual frogs.”
And you might say, “Look, you idiot, I’ll give you an example. When I hear that every mass shooting that’s ever happened has involved a gun, do you not immediately think that, perhaps, guns are the problem?” And I would say, “No. I think frogs. Frogs are the problem. In fact, we need more guns, to help us get rid of the frogs.”
“So you’re going to shoot actual frogs? You’re a politician, and that’s your solution?” you might ask, stunned. And to that I’d say, “Sure. Why not!”
“But frogs don’t have anything to fucking do with this, the whole thing is a fucking metaphor,” you might say, getting frustrated. “The original issue is that when you hear hoofbeats, think horses—not zebras. Where the fuck did frogs come in?”
And I would ask you to please watch your language and calm down.
“I can’t calm down,” you’d yell, “Horses are trampling people and you’re jabbering on about frogs! How about this, you selfish motherfucker: if you hear ribbits, think frogs. Can you agree with that, you dunce?”
And I would say that actually, if I heard ribbits, I would think rabbits, because they’re spelled kind of similarly.
Q&A About This Piece
Q: What if you’re somewhere with more zebras than horses?
A: Well, then I guess you’d want to switch the order of the metaphor.
Q: So it’s a pretty Western-centered metaphor, isn’t it?
A: Sure. But so are most English language idioms.
Q: Doesn’t make it right, does it?
A: No, you’re right, it doesn’t make it right. How about we make a new idiom?
Q: I’d like that.
A: Well, what should it be?
Q: How about: “If you hear barking, think dogs—not cats.”?
A: Well… that doesn’t really work, does it?
Q: Why not?
A: Because nobody hears barking and thinks cats.
Q: Right… so it works, no?
A: No, the point is to find two things that both make the same sound, but one is much more prevalent and therefore likely to be causing the sound.
Q: Ah, I see. Then what about: “If you hear barking, think dogs—not parrots that live with dogs.”?
A: Uh… yeah. Sure, why not.
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That’s all for this week—thanks for reading! Goodbye.
Frustratingly accurate. Well done.