HELP PROVE I'M INNOCENT BY SENDING ME MONEY IMMEDIATELY
As published Friday, June 9 on McSweeney’s, with a special “Behind the Writing” for paid subscribers below.
I AM AN INNOCENT MAN.
I SAY IT EVERY TIME I’M ACCUSED OF A CRIME.
THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE.
BUT THEY DON’T BELIEVE ME.
SO YOU NEED TO HELP PROVE I’M INNOCENT BY SENDING ME $100 VIA CASH, CHECK, OR MONEY ORDER IMMEDIATELY.
SOMEONE ASKED ME, “HOW IS MONEY GOING TO PROVE YOU’RE INNOCENT?”
WELL: LAST TIME I WAS INDICTED TWO MONTHS AGO, I ALSO SAID I WAS AN INNOCENT MAN, AND THAT NIGHT EVERYONE SENT ME A TOTAL OF ABOUT FOUR MILLION DOLLARS.
AND GUESS WHAT?
I NEVER WENT TO JAIL SINCE TWO MONTHS AGO.
BECAUSE OF THE FOUR MILLION DOLLARS.
THAT WAS AWESOME, BUT IT’S ALL GONE NOW.
IT’S GONE.
NOTHING WEIRD ABOUT THE MONEY BEING GONE, IT’S JUST GONE, OK?
AND NOW I’M INNOCENT AGAIN, AND I NEED ALL OF YOU TO CONFIRM MY INNOCENCE BY WIRING ME $250.
EACH.
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU NEEDS TO ZELLE ME $250 ASAP.
YES, IT’S $250 NOW—NOT $100.
A HUNDRED BUCKS ISN’T ENOUGH ANYMORE BECAUSE OF INFLATION SINCE THAT OTHER TIME I ASKED FOR MONEY EARLIER, SO NOW IT’S GOTTA BE THE FULL $250.
LOOK, FOLKS, THIS IS A WITCH HUNT.
A NEW ONE.
THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF WITCH HUNTS, BUT THIS ONE IS THE BIGGEST WITCH HUNT.
EVEN BIGGER THAN THAT WITCH HUNT MUSICAL WICKED.
THEY’RE MAKING A MOVIE OUT OF THAT MUSICAL, I HEARD.
WILL IT TRANSLATE TO THE BIG SCREEN?
WE’LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE.
AVATAR DID.
AVATAR TRANSLATED TO THE BIG SCREEN.
WAS AVATAR A STAGE MUSICAL FIRST?
IT HAD TO BE.
IT HAS ALL THE BEATS OF A STAGE MUSICAL.
BUT NO WITCHES IN AVATAR.
JUST NAʼVI.
I’M NOT A NAʼVI.
AND I’M NOT A WITCH.
I AM INNOCENT.
AND YOU NEED TO PROVE I’M INNOCENT BY COLLECTIVELY PAYING ME THE BUDGET FOR EITHER AVATAR OR THE NEW WICKED MOVIE.
I’VE BEEN TOLD THE BEST WAY TO REACH THIS GOAL IS THAT EACH OF YOU SIGN OVER YOUR LIFE INSURANCE TO MY LLC.
UGH, YOU KNOW I HATE ASKING FOR MONEY.
I ALREADY HAVE A TON OF IT—THAT’S THE REASON WHY I HATE ASKING FOR MORE.
I HAVE A LOT OF MONEY BECAUSE I’M INNOCENT.
WHEN YOU’RE INNOCENT, YOU’RE VERY RICH, LIKE ME.
BUT RIGHT NOW I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY.
ALL MY MONEY GOES TOWARD PROVING THAT I’M INNOCENT.
IN ORDER SO THAT I CAN BE INNOCENT, AND HAVE MORE MONEY AGAIN.
SO JUST TO BE CLEAR: I DO HAVE A LOT OF MONEY, BUT I DON’T HAVE WHAT’S CALLED “CASH ON HAND.”
SO YOU EACH NEED TO CASH APP ME EVERYTHING IN YOUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT BY TOMORROW.
TOGETHER, WE CAN PROVE MY INNOCENCE.
ALSO, MY CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN, IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO FIX THAT.
Behind the Writing
Trumpism is, at its most banal, a grift.