Hi, I’m Zack. I'm 19 and I'm in charge of the treasury now.

Feb 09, 2025

While Mr. Musk is flanked by some seasoned operatives, his dizzying blitz on the federal bureaucracy is, in practice, largely being carried out by a group of male engineers, including some recent college graduates and at least one as young as 19. (NYT)

Hi everyone, my name is Zack. I’m on Slack as Zack Attack, because it rhymes. As you can tell, I think it’s important to have a little fun at work. Anyway, I’m still on my parents’ health insurance and also I’m in charge of all US Treasury payments now.

I know some people are frustrated with the slew of changes happening around here. I say “some” people because most people have actually already been fired. No cap, that’s a totally unfortunate situation. But if I’m being honest, a bunch of you were simply not cut out for this—and I should know, since I’ve already spent over ten months of my life in adult-style jobs.

To the haters: I’m not going to let my age be a barrier. Instead, I plan to use my age to our collective advantage. I can’t legally rent a car yet, but I’m still excited to drive this country into the ground. See what I did there? I said drive twice, but it meant something different each time. That’s called wordplay. You’ll get the hang of it if you ever take Senior English like I did last year. Anyway, you’re not allowed in this building anymore, it’s mine.

I’ve been asked a few times what makes me qualified to dismantle the American government with zero oversight. Each time, my answer has remained the same: a 53-year-old man I hang out with said I could.

Look, I’m a software engineer, so I like to think of America as a computer—and this computer’s got a virus that’s wreaking havoc in the government. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, the best way to get rid of a virus in someone’s computer is to break into their home, throw their computer in the trash, light that trash bag on fire, and then break into the next person’s home. Don’t steal any of their liquor though because you’re not 21 yet.

I’ll leave you with this: I know a thing or two about a thing or two. I’m not that young. I’m old enough to remember that way back when I was a kid, a man named Donald Trump was president. That’s all I remember, because I was 11. And since I have the most recent experience in elementary school, my 53-year-old friend just put me in charge of the Education Department too. School is boring, so we’re gonna get rid of it. Zack Attack, out.

What I’ve been reading

Museum of Degenerates: Portraits of the American Grotesque, Eli Valley

I just received my copy in the mail. It’s explosive. A satirical scalpel ripping open our body politic for all to see, clear as day. Some of his latest:

elivalley