How to Make a Butter Board, If You Must
Hi there, I read your email asking me to describe, in detail, how to make a butter board. Please know that I am deeply opposed to teaching you about this, but if you absolutely must make one, I go by the cool moms rule: if you’re gonna make a butter board, I’d rather you do it in the house.
First, you’ll need to gather your ingredients: lots of butter, a nice big board, and a bunch of good food you plan on wiping too much butter off of later.
Next, it’s time to make your board impossible to clean. That’s right, it’s time to rub butter all over your board. Why? Alliteration. Butter might be great when it’s smeared directly on some bread, but butter and bread don’t start with the same letter.
They do?
Hm. I guess they do.
Fine, but the “b” in “bread” isn’t followed by a vowel like it is in “butter.” So it doesn’t count. Don’t butter your bread, butter your board. Or your bonsai. Or your banjo. But not your bread.
Now: once your board is absolutely covered, it’s time to place little pieces of food into the thick, creamy butter. This is to ensure that when someone goes to eat a piece of food, they will be forced to make a decision: either eat that food with a bunch of butter on it, or wipe the butter off the food first and get butter all over yourself. Awesome.
Now that your board is covered in butter and food has been stuck in the butter, it’s time for the final step: lie to your friends that you’ve cooked up a really nice meal. When they ask, “Did you make one of those fucking butter boards again?” insist that you have not. Lying is incredibly important here. Do not tell the truth, or your friends will tell you they are sick or that it’s raining too much to come over.
Once you’ve lied to your friends that they won’t be forced to handle butter-covered snacks, you’re done! Have fun! And, most importantly, never contact me again.
Q&A about this piece
Q: Is this a thing? Butter boards?
A: Yes! And it’s not nearly as bad as the above makes it seem. It can actually be a tasty, quick, affordable alternative to expensive cheese boards.
Q: Right, but, like… why not just put some butter out and put some snacks out instead of getting butter on everything? Or why not just put butter on bread? That’s, like, the best thing. Why not do that instead?
A: Sure, great question.
Q: What is the answer?
A: I have no idea.
That’s all for this week—thanks for reading! Goodbye.
Thanks for covering all of my own questions about butter boards. . . especially "Why, tho'?" Now I know!