How to Tell if You're Watching the World Cup Final

A quick, helpful quiz to help you figure out if you’re watching the World Cup final:

Is your chest tight? Are you breathing heavily? You could be having a heart attack, but more likely: you’re watching the World Cup final. Or maybe both!

Are you screaming at the television? There’s either a Real Housewives reunion special on, or you’re watching the World Cup final.

Do you feel heavily conflicted, because joyous entertainment was made possible by a history of brutal, inhumane forced labor? You could be watching almost anything, but probably the World Cup final.

Is Elon Musk in attendance? [The rest of this text has been removed, since it’s now considered doxxing.]