I can’t be bribed or bought. Go ahead, please try.
You’re reading Here’s Something, the satirical newsletter critics call “Oh, what’s this in my inbox?” “Hm, it sure seems to be something,” and “Yes, that was really something.”
RFK Jr.: “President Trump was taking money from the pharmaceutical industry, too.” (Turns to Trump) “I think they gave you a hundred million dollars.” (Turns back to cameras) “But he can’t be bought.”
I’m a man of unwavering conviction. I remain steadfast in my values of right and wrong. My moral compass points true. In short, I cannot be bribed or bought. Go ahead, please try. I’m willing to hear any number. You know what? Don’t say a word. I’ll take it, whatever it is. That’s the great measure of my integrity.
What are you holding in your outstretched hand? Is that an envelope of money? Filled with hundreds of millions of dollars? That has no power over me—no influence on my ethics. Simply put it away discreetly, right here in my pocket, before anyone sees.
I am not swayed by material wants. I hold true to a higher purpose. I place value in the marketplace of ideas, not of things. I am not trapped or bound by treasures and trinkets. Offer me anything, and you’ll see the depth of my resolve. A brand-new country club, a yet-to-be-determined wire transfer, even a luxury skyscraper with my name on it. These are just suggestions. Any of them would be a fine way to test my mettle. All three would be even better, signed legally to my personal estate. As an example, of course! To demonstrate how much I can’t be bribed.
Don’t try to trick me into taking your kickbacks, your tributes, your payoffs. This isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve not been bought countless times before. My many homes are full of all the gifts I’ve turned down. They are my most prized possessions.
Immunity to corruption may very well be genetic, as my children are blessed with the same capacity to avoid all kinds of fraud and embezzlement. Just the other day they accepted with grace and aplomb a sizable foreign investment into the firm we collectively run, in order to prove they have never been and shan’t ever be bankrolled. Proud doesn’t begin to cut it.
Many have tried to buy my loyalty before. Their propositions mattered little when confronted with my credibility. The proof? They are all now my dear friends and I’d do anything for them. In fact, if you’re about to present me with some kind of bounty, they too must be included forthwith.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I cannot be b—Sorry, but what is that, behind you? Is that one of those so-called aero-planes? A jumbo jet? A palace in the sky, so to speak? It’s beautiful. It’s enormous. It’s perfect. But if you’re offering it to me, you’re bound to be sorely disappointed. For if there’s one thing you must understand, it’s this: I’ll take it, and I’ll give you anything you want in return—as long as you acknowledge that I can’t be bought.
Like Dylan said, “to live outside the law you must be honest.“ well, maybe that’s not the same thing at all.