I, for one, have never been critical of the Emperor of Death
As our great ruler returns to his rightful throne, I would like to remind the public that I, for one, have never been critical of the Emperor of Death. Anything you may be interpreting as past critique was, in fact, well-disguised praise, in order that I might avoid the wrath and retribution of our previous captors. Now that we have stepped back into the Era of the Great Cleansing Light and the emperor’s Shield of Destruction rests once more upon the doors of the Capitol, let it be known that I have now and always believed that our mighty and terrible emperor has only our best interests in mind.
To get ahead of my detractors:
I once called the emperor a “blight upon our lands and a bringer of doom” simply because he attempted to destroy the very castle in which he once again resides. Now I can finally speak my true feelings: I too always felt our castle needed some forceful renovations. The meaning behind my statement was that he is “a bringer of doom” and we deserve doom. We need it. Doom will bring us into the future.
I readily admit how often I warned of the dangers the Emperor of Death presents to our land—not least of which includes his penchant for, uh, you know… death. But what is life without death? It is meaningless. Life, if allowed unburdened and fancy-free, can never be truly worthwhile. The looming specter of nothingness is crucial, and it is what the Emperor of Death, unlike others, can provide. My past criticisms were only meant to highlight the context and meaning our merciless emperor has finally given to our lives, by threatening to imminently end them.
Finally, a proposition:
Contrary to my past (sarcastic and taken-out-of-context) diatribes and complaints, I believe I am, in fact, an ideal candidate for a post or position within the emperor’s new court. In fact, I’d argue my entire life and work has led to this very moment. I await the call, expectantly, ready to sacrifice—ready to give you all up for the ship.
Q&A
Q: What if he reads this?
A: Who?
Q: The new, returned, ruthless emperor.
A: Then he will finally know that I am and have always been a loyal servant.
Q: But he will also read of the ways in which you acted against him, no matter the intention.
A: He will understand.
Q: How do you know?
A: I just… I just know, OK?
Q: I ask the questions.
A: I have heard the emperor prefers not to have any questions at all.
Q: Who told you that?
A: He said so.
Q: When?
A: I may need to report you for all these questions.
Q: They’re totally normal questions.
A: But they’re still questions.
Q: Well. I—I didn’t mean them as questions.
A: Explain.
Q: They were… they were only meant to highlight the kind of rhetoric we must destroy, as our great and awful leader requires. I, for one, have never been critical of the Emperor of Death.
A: Yes, exactly.
What I’ve been reading
Mr. Grift Goes to Washington by Jacob Silverman
“Not wanting to go to jail is a powerful motivator of fealty. So many lawsuits and criminal investigations will be simply dismissed or wither on the vine under the second Trump administration. Even more will be overlooked. That’s an invaluable quality for a tech industry whose products and ideology have come to infiltrate and disrupt so much of American life.”
Malm and Mangione by Amna A. Akbar
“Unlike the cost of health care, the climate crisis is coming for us all, regardless of our class fraction or social location. But both are born of the predictable and calculated production of slow-motion death.”
Prove your loyalty with a copy of This Won’t Help
My award-winning essay collection This Won’t Help is the best way to appease the emperor—so buy one for you and one for him! Don’t want to order online? Great thinking. Go to your local bookstore and ask them to purchase copies of my book in extremely high volume.
Here’s what some kind folks have said about This Won’t Help:
A note to subscribers: turning paid back on!
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We’re not going back! (To the left side.)
Also, praise Kier!