I'm running to be your next and final president
We’re less than two weeks away from the release of my book, This Won’t Help, out October 24. As a satirical apéritif, I’m running another early excerpt from the collection—below!
I’m Running to Be Your Next and Final President
Did you hear that? My opponent seems to think that decisions should be left entirely up to you, the voters. Well, we don’t want that, do we, folks? You’re hardworking Americans, you don’t have time for decisions. I can think of only one decision you should all be making: the decision to elect me as your next and final president.
Because we’re tired of choices, aren’t we, folks? Tired of figuring out how to fill in a ballot. So confusing—like taking a little final exam or something.
Here’s me filling out a ballot: “Oh, should I circle the name I want? No? I have to fill in a circle next to it?” Geez, how does that make any sense?
I can solve all that. I’m the salve you’ve been waiting for. Grit your teeth and fill out one final ballot, fill in the circle next to my name, and I promise we’ll never have another election again. Seriously! It’s as easy as that.
Somebody asked me after I gave this speech the other day, they said, “Isn’t what you’re proposing just . . . a dictatorship?”
I said, “Wrong. Totally wrong. It’s called a ‘permanent presidency.’ We live in a democracy, look it up.”
Now, I see some of you are taking out your phones to look up “permanent presidency.” But it’s not that kind of a thing. It’s not the kind of thing the mainstream media wants to write about. But everyone’s been talking about it. Everyone’s talking about a permanent presidency. It’s one of the things everyone is wanting right now.
I would do so much with a permanent presidency. Don’t take my word for it—a lot of folks have said I’m better than Washington, Lincoln, and FDR put together. Wouldn’t you have wanted any of those guys to be permanent president? Speaking of which, why did Washington ever decide to let someone else do it? Why didn’t he make himself permanent president? He probably knew he didn’t have the juice. Well, folks, I’ve got the juice.
Now, does being permanent president mean I’m gonna be president until I die? Of course not! It means I’m gonna be president forever, because I’m never gonna die.
In fact, that’s what I can promise for all of you. If I’m president, none of you are ever gonna die.
That’s right, we’re gonna do a whole big new thing called “immortality.” And we love immortality, don’t we, folks? We love living forever. We’re gonna get so much done—think of all the stuff you can do when you live forever. And we’re gonna forget how the brief, transient nature of our time on Earth gives beauty to our lives. Nobody cares about that anymore—we only care about living forever, don’t we? Yes we do.
Not everyone, though. Not everyone! Only the people who vote for me are gonna live forever, right? That’s you. You’re all gonna live forever, not the other people.
And we’re all gonna be rich. You’re gonna be almost as rich as me. Almost! Nobody’s quite as rich as me, isn’t that right? But you can get close. Pretty close! Live forever and get pretty close. By the way, we need to raise ten million dollars by midnight, OK? That’s how much it costs to live forever, but it’s worth it—it’s worth it.
So donate to the campaign, OK? Donate early and often.
You know what? It’s also time to start voting. Yup, I just decided. Vote early and often. We can’t take any risks. Too much is at stake. Why? Because you’ve got only two options: Elect some loser, like you always do—or put me in charge, forever. I think the choice is obvious.
If you’re doing cash donations, I’ll take those on my way out.
Behind the Writing
In my upcoming collection This Won’t Help, the above piece is actually titled “Counterpoint: I’m Running to Be Your Next and Final President.” The reason being, it immediately follows a piece called “Point: As the President of the United States, I Am Asking You to Please Solve This.”
The latter is a title you may recognize, as it’s adapted from an old newsletter piece of mine. I wanted to explore the ends of the spectrum of political power and its exploitation. We see rights stripped from the vulnerable, and we’re told to “vote.” Which, sure. We all need to vote. Always. But it can be incredibly disheartening to vote for the alternative to fascism, and then be told “OK, now vote again to fix things.”
The push for progress often feels like trying to grab hold of a door handle in a dream—always barely out of reach, and just when you think you’ve got it, you wake up. In my book’s pairing of these essays, I tried to tap into my grievances and their limits. This excerpted piece is the vicious alternative strongmen like Trump offer to that stasis—the grossly popular counterpoint to the status quo.
But, you know, like, funny.
Alright, listen. Preorders are very important. Without enough of them, this newsletter will become your perma-president.
Spoilers, by Carlos Greaves—out now!
is a prolifically clever writer, and his debut book Spoilers: Essays That Might Ruin Your Favorite Hollywood Movies shines a spotlight on his talent for finding surprising and funny ways of reimagining pop culture, new and old, as a form of commentary about the world at-large. You’ll love it, and so will anyone on your holiday gift list.That’s all for today—thanks, as always, for reading. We’re all gonna live forever.