I'm The Batman. Please Stop Doxxing Me.
Hello, it’s me, Bruce—er, I mean, The Batman. I would appreciate it if everyone stopped doxxing me by figuring out my name, which happens to be carved directly into the stone façade of my famous mansion.
Look, I want to stay anonymous. When I’m not dressed as a caped crusader, I keep a low profile as the literal richest person in this entire city. I like to buy restaurants on a whim. My name is on the biggest building in town. I am clearly a very private person. Please respect that privacy.
I just don’t want my identity to be known! It’s why I wear a mask covering less than half of my face. It’s also why I speak in a slightly lower register than my normal voice: so that no one will ever figure out who I am.
And yes: simply telling people my name is the same as doxxing me. Even though I’m a public figure who takes the law into my owns hands by wreaking vigilante justice across Gotham, saying my name out loud is illegal.
To state this as plainly as I can: I get to dole out justice however I see fit, unfettered by the red tape of bureaucracy and laws; you do not get to use my real name (which is also the name of my publicly-traded company).
In conclusion: if you already know my name is Bruce W—um, uh… if you already know my secret identity, forget that you ever knew it and don’t you dare tell anyone else.
I gotta go. The sun is setting, so it’s time for me to run around the city beating the shit out of people with zero consequences, and it’s time for you to stop doxxing me.
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Did You Read It?
I wrote a piece that ran on McSweeney’s today about airlines and masks and, well… hypocrisy. That’s… that’s my thing. Did you read it??
That’s all for this week—thanks for reading! Goodbye.
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