Jesus Christ Weighs in on Wedding Websites

In a remarkable turn, Jesus Christ himself took the stand for questioning by the prosecution as an expert witness during 303 Creative v. Elenis. This is a transcript of that exchange:

Prosecution: Mr. Christ, have you built and used wedding websites before?

Jesus: What? What is a website?

Prosecution: Right. Didn’t think about that blind spot. A website consists of a landing page with both external and internal links that exists somewhere on the internet, but not necessarily—

Jesus: I don’t know what any of that means.

Prosecution: Let’s get more to the point—do you believe marriage is between a man and a woman?

Jesus: I believe marriage is between a baptized man and a baptized woman.

Prosecution: Well, we’re trying to avoid the hot water that comes with religious freedom, so let’s just say any man and any woman.

Jesus: You can say that, but I don’t agree. And please, no hot water. Cold, natural water is fine for me, like the water of the river Jordan.

Prosecution: It’s a metaphor. Like how you turned water into wine and walked on water. I’m not actually talking about hot water.

Jesus: But I actually did those things.

Prosecution: Right, but, like… symbolically.

Jesus: No, literally. I’m a magic man. A true wizard.

Prosecution (to Head Justice): Request to strike that from the record!

Head Justice (to prosecution): Request denied.

Prosecution: Fuck.

Jesus: I do real magic, though. (to entire room) You all believe me, right? That I’m a wizard?

Defense: Like Gandalf?

Head Justice: I request the defense abstains for the time being.

Jesus: Exactly like Gandalf!

Prosecution: Sure. Let’s move on. Our client, if she is ever asked to design a website, does not want to have to design that website for a same-sex wedding. Do you agree she should be allowed to deny this kind of service?

Jesus: So this is all hypothetical? Nothing’s actually… happened to her yet?

Prosecution: Correct.

Jesus: Matthew, six thirty-four, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow shall worry about itself.”

Prosecution: OK, but our entire job here is to worry about tomorrow.

Jesus: Then you shall BURN!

Prosecution: …Really?

Jesus: No, no, no. I’m messing with you. But you will be smote to ashes by God before you can even catch fire.

Prosecution: Mr. Christ, please answer the question at hand—if our client is tasked with building a wedding website, which has yet to happen, should she or should she not be allowed to withhold the purchase of that website template from same-sex couples?

Jesus: Wow, that’s, like, so specific. That’s what this is about? She wants to create a mold that only some people can use? She’s not even making the mold personalized?

Prosecution (to Head Justice): Let it be known that the witness says “mold” but likely means “wedding website template.”

Head Justice (to prosecution): Acknowledged.

Jesus: I mean… this all feels like a big reach, right? Now, does anyone wanna see some real magic?

Head Justice (to Christ): Please, Mr. Christ, not in my courtroom.

Jesus: This isn’t a courtroom!

Head Justice (to prosecution): What is he talking about?

Prosecution (to Head Justice): I’m not sure, I’ll get him under control. (to Christ) Mr. Christ, please stop scrunching your face up and trying to turn this courtroom into something else. It’s not working.

Jesus: It takes a minute! You think my magic is just a “poof” and it happens kind of thing? I’m not Merlin!

Defense: So Merlin is more powerful than Gandalf?

Jesus: Way more powerful, yeah.

Head Justice: Silence! From the witness and the defense!

Prosecution: The prosecution rests, your honor.

Head Justice: I don’t even know what just happened here.

Jesus: A miracle. That’s what happened here.

Defense: So… not magic?

Jesus: Same thing, idiot!

everyone begins to fight, physically

Head Justice: Court is adjourned!

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Question of the Day

What’s your favorite magic trick/wizard thing Jesus ever did? Can’t be from the Bible. Comment below!

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Behind the Writing

I like writing dialogues involving larger-than-life, well-known characters. There’s a lot of room for fun and commentary. Out of that… this piece! Is any of this how an actual Supreme Court case works? No! In fact, there are no witnesses and there is no jury and all statements are written ahead of time. Sounds… awesome.

Also, re: the “templates,” yes, it’s true—the prosecution is ultimately arguing that the templates the graphic designer makes can’t be purchased in the future to be used for same-sex weddings if the templates are ever made. A stretch, tbh.

Not that the details should matter—denying any kind of service on the basis of sexual orientation is against the law, and for good reason. But members of the Supreme Court like Amy Coney Barrett have argued this week that the web service would be denied based on ideology, not sexual orientation, because the ideology of supporting a same-sex wedding is what’s at stake:

“It’s about the message and not about the sexuality of the couple,” ACB stated.

This is, frankly, syntactical bullshit. Following her logic, I could say I don’t agree with the “message” sent by women being able to vote. “I’m all for women voting! I’m just not supportive of the message it sends.” Maybe I’ll write that piece next.

Anyway—the Supreme Court is ruled by illegitimate reactionary ideologues who see no separation between church and state. Bigotry can get fucked, in all its forms.

Hopefully Jesus saying he’s a wizard was a fun time, though.

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