Jobless Tucker Carlson Orders a Pizza

Hi, is this Domino’s? No? Of course you’re not Domino’s. You’re just an average American citizen, and I just dialed a random number into my telephone because finding even the smallest amount of information like the correct phone number for a restaurant is giving in to the elitist educational system.

Whoever you are, if you’ve been paying attention for the last few years—and I know you have been—you’ve probably noticed that we don’t have nearly as much pizza as we once did. Do you remember college? Or way back when you were young enough to have a babysitter? You know, the good old days! Didn’t it seem like pizza was available 24/7? That’s because it was. And it’s not anymore, anywhere.

Don’t look that up. Everyone else is lying to you about pizza.