Man stuns political establishment by running on platform of good ideas
You’re reading Here’s Something, the satirical newsletter critics call “A little much,” “Is this what the kids are reading?” and “Seriously, who’s reading this?”
Late last night, a Local Man stunned the political establishment by running on a platform of good ideas that help regular people. His win defied decades of strategy that had prioritized bad ideas that help about a dozen really rich guys.
There was a stark difference in the visions of the two candidates. The Local Man wanted to “make things better for everyone,” while the Man Who Doesn’t Even Live Here wanted to “not do that.” Shockingly, voters chose better.
“We’re going to keep fighting for bad ideas,” the Man Who Doesn’t Even Live Here said in his concession speech. “This was just a primary. My friends can spend way more in a general election. We’re going to remind people that they’ve enjoyed bad ideas for a long time, and they can certainly get behind bad ideas again.”
Strategists are still trying to make sense of the win. “We’d never considered trying good ideas before,” a party leader told us. “I’m still not sure it’s the right move. We’ll have to wait and see, and in the meantime not change anything about the way we operate.”
Others were not as generous. “This proves nothing,” the chair of the party wrote in an email. “Good ideas just don’t work. Regular people don’t win elections. Lots of money wins elections.” Editor’s Note: As of this writing, the Local Man’s campaign had raised only a fraction of the Man Who Doesn’t Even Live Here’s Super PAC.
Voters seemed deeply divided as they entered the polls. The results indicate something else—perhaps that the voters are not divided when it comes to good ideas. However, it’s impossible to say for sure, because it’s the policy of this media outlet’s ownership to never admit that good ideas work.
The next test of the Local Man’s good ideas will come this fall, when he will face the Current Leader who has promised to campaign on “way worse ideas than anyone else, the worst ideas you’ve ever heard of.” Large donors across the country are already lining up to get a piece of these really bad ideas.
Here’s where the satire ends. Don’t worry, it’ll be back in the next newsletter. And the one after that. Nothing ever really ends.
Some things money can't buy
As of this morning, Zohran Mamdani, champion of affordability and better living for all New Yorkers, is the city’s Democratic candidate for Mayor. Throughout the hotly contested primary, prognosticators believed Cuomo would prevail during the first round of ranked-choice voting—while Mamdani might make up ground as the rounds went deeper. Instead, the race was over as soon as it started. Mamdani crushed Cuomo in the first round by over seven points.
Billionaires like Michael Bloomberg and Bill Ackman contributed to Andrew Cuomo’s record-setting $25 million Super PAC known as Fix the City. Well, the fix is in. The disgraced former governor conceded well before the final tally. There are some things money can’t buy. At least right now, that includes the NYC Mayor’s office. Here’s hoping we start putting our back into more good ideas.
What I’ve been reading
Two Days Talking to People Looking for Jobs at ICE by Yanis Varoufuckice
“The motivating force behind American career fascism would appear to be wanderlust. My conversations with prospective Enforcement and Removal Operation officers tended to follow the familiar script of engagement with the most banal people on Tinder, the kinds of people who post airplane emojis in their bios. Granting that the banality of evil, as an explanation, has itself become banal, it was hard to know what else to make of all this. The US is filled with ‘pretty nice guys’ who are ready to inflict, who have already inflicted, senseless and life-shattering violence on innocent, impoverished people.”
Well done!