New CDC Guidelines for the Ongoing Shark Attacks

Hello. Here at the CDC, we have a few updates to our guidelines for the general public in the midst of the ongoing shark attacks across all of our beaches. They are as follows:

1. Starting today, beachgoers should simply swim with the sharks, giving up their bodies as food until the beasts’ appetites are sated. We’ve done the research, and this is quickest way toward normalizing our relationship with the sharks.

2. Up to this point, lifeguards have kept an eye out for sharks and have alerted beachgoers to their presence. Beginning today…