“We are proud to march with you.”
—J.D. Vance
Good afternoon, marchers. Thank you for having me. It’s an honor to be standing with you. To feel the excitement. The passion. The unwavering conviction you all have for the most sacred, blessed cause in the world: forced birth.
I know how special it is, to be here together. I know how much it means that this is how you’ve chosen to spend your time and energy. You could be marching for anything right now: universal daycare, free student lunches, getting guns out of schools, or even in support of another Timothée Chalamet lookalike contest. But you’ve got your priorities straight. You know what matters most. You’ll put it all on the line for a truly compassionate pursuit: making people stay pregnant against their will, even if it kills them. You truly do love life.
I think it’s fair to say that you all represent the very best of our country. I look out today and I see a nice even split of a huge amount of men and also some women. Of course, our opponents will argue that us boys are simply obsessed with control… but we know that isn’t true. This march isn’t about getting to control people’s bodies—it’s about ascertaining the right to decide what others do with their mortal coils. You see the difference? It’s a completely alternate set of words.
Now, we’re not just here to make life worse for everyone. We’re also here to ignore some crucial facts. For instance, we’re here to ignore the fact that abortion restrictions don’t lower abortion rates—they just make abortions less safe. We’re here to ignore the fact that there is no viable one-size-fits-all policy for reproductive healthcare. And of course we’re also here to ignore the fact that so freaking many of you are dudes. Jesus, it’s just a ton of guys. And not one of you looks remotely like Timothée Chalamet.
Alright, let’s march.
Q&A
Q: Abortion restrictions don’t lower abortion rates?
A: People will always want, need, and find ways to get abortions. Restrictions do nothing to change this. They only make abortions more dangerous. Safe and legal abortions save lives.
Q: What about late-term abortions?
A: There’s no such thing as a late-term abortion. That’s a made-up phrase that has no basis in medicine. Also, well over 90% of abortions are performed in the first trimester, and just 1% occur after 21 weeks and is almost always because something has gone seriously wrong. Claims of abortions occurring “moments before birth” or even “after birth” are also false. These scenarios do not occur and are not legal in the US.
Q: What about laws that restrict abortion except for cases where the mother’s life is in danger?
A: Again, those laws don’t lower abortion rates. They also put doctors in a legal bind and they are often forced to wait to act until it’s too late.
Q: And what about Timothée Chalamet?
A: You look nothing like him, but more importantly you don’t have his energy—his charisma. His je ne sais quoi. But you can change all that…
Look like Timothée Chalamet—get a copy of This Won’t Help
Reading my essay collection This Won’t Help in public is a sure-fire method for looking and feeling like a Chalamet. So order in bulk. Don’t want to buy it online? Great thinking. Go to your local bookstore and ask them to purchase copies of my book in extremely high volume.
Here’s what some kind folks have said about This Won’t Help:
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As an older white male, I'm curious if you have any suggestions for redirecting my need for control away from women's bodies. A pet maybe? It's just not the same.