Other Kinds of Guys
This week, against my will, I learned about “The Try Guys.” During my ensuing investigation, I discovered that there are many other kinds of guys. What follows is a list of my findings:
The High Guys
These are guys who are supposed to be The Try Guys, but they are way too high to try.
The High Tide Guys
Guys who are only friends at high tide. So: twice a day. Rest of the day, they completely forget each others’ names.
The Refried Guys
A quartet of guys who have all been cooked and mashed into a delicious paste.
The Thick Thigh Guys
These are guys like me, who like to jog but whose thighs are always rubbing together, so they do a lot of promotions for vaseline.
The Mincemeat Pie Guys
This is a group of guys who just found out that mincemeat pie doesn’t have meat in it, and they can’t stop telling everyone.
The Alumni Guys
These guys won’t stop talking about where they went to college. It’s their entire personality. They can only be friends with each other.
The Muesli Guys
This gaggle of guys is always coming over for breakfast and asking if you have any muesli instead of eggs. You never do, but they still always ask.
The TseTse Fly Guys
These guys are all slowly turning into tsetse flies, in the same way Jeff Goldblum did. Except they’re posting vlogs about it, and it’s somehow equal parts gross and annoying.
The Supply Side Guys
This throng of guys insists that the most effective way to stimulate economic growth is through deregulation and lower taxes. They’re not just idiots—they’re assholes.
The Transmogrify Guys
These guys are constantly eschewing their current physical form for something new and grotesque.
The Disqualify Guys
These guys keep getting disqualified from everything they try to do.
The Mediterranean Fruit Fly Guys
The final kind of guys, these guys are obsessed with a genus of fly from sub-Saharan Africa that wreaks havoc on crops. All of them cheat on their wives.
Q&A about this piece
Q: So… who are “The Try Guys?”
A: They’re guys who try stuff.
Q: What kind of stuff?
A: Seems like pretty much anything.
Q: Who decides the stuff they try?
A: They do, I think. I don’t know. I haven’t looked this far into it.
Q: Sounds like you haven’t looked into it much at all.
A: It’s just not my thing.
Q: Well, everything can’t always be your thing.
A: What’s that supposed to mean?
Q: Hey, I ask the questions. I mean—hey, I ask the questions?
A: I was just trying out asking a question. For research. Into The Try Guys.
Q: Oh. Well that’s fine then.
A: Good.
Q: Good.
A: Anyway, one of them cheated on his wife, which was a shock to their fandom because that specific “Try Guy” was not just a “Try Guy,” he was also a “Wife Guy,” as in: he always talked about how much he loved his wife and his kids, and she was even involved in some of their content creation. So his infidelity to her also came off as infidelity to not only his fans but also his entire character and career.
Q: OK, that’s too much info. You were right to keep it vague.
That’s all for this week—thanks for reading! Goodbye.
Supply side guys are the worst.