Things Other Than the Golden Globes That Were Also Last Night You Had No Idea Were Happening

Last night were the 80th Golden Globes, which nobody except for the people physically inside the The Beverly Hilton hotel had any idea was happening. In fact, you probably just found out about the Golden Globes as you were reading the previous sentence.

Well, we’ve got some bad news: there were a number of major events that took place last night none of us had any idea were happening. To get you up to speed, they were as follows:

The Inauguration
They did the inauguration again. All the Senators and Representatives were getting sworn in and Joe Biden got jealous, so they did a whole entire repeat inauguration so he didn’t feel left out.

The Oscars
Typically, they try to put some distance between the Golden Globes and the Oscars. Not this year. Who won Best Picture? Unfortunately, we’ll never know—none of us tuned in. But it was probably Morbius.

The First Moon Landing
We all missed this, but NASA decided to pretend like none of the moon landings ever happened, and then they did a “First Moon Landing” last night. Buzz Aldrin went, and he insisted on staying there. The first words he spoke on the moon were, “I’m the first man on the moon this time, and I’m also gonna be the last!” He shouted this as he untethered from his lander and bounded off into the distance.

The Big Test
The big school test was last night and you missed it. But don’t worry: so did everyone else. The grading curve is gonna be outrageous.

Christmas
It was Christmas last night. Santa decided he needed a “do-over” because his big day this past December didn’t get enough positive feedback. We all missed it, so he’s probably gonna Christmas again really soon.

Lunch
Lunch was last night. This might explain why there wasn’t lunch today.

Succession Season Four
HBO put the whole thing online last night and then immediately took it down this morning. Fuck!!

The Second Coming
Jesus came down from the heavens last night, binge-watched all of Succession season four and then left. Sounds like none of us are getting saved. You can blame Kendall Roy.

Your Birthday
It was your birthday last night. Oh, well—you’ll catch it next year!

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Behind the Writing

I had no idea the Golden Globes were last night until about halfway through them! Did you? Has there ever been something seemingly high-profile that you completely missed?

Anyway, it just got me thinking, What else have I completely missed? What if we all missed really major events?

This was a fun, light romp—I like digging into hut-button, tough issues, but it’s always fun to play with something a bit more airy and effervescent. Hope it was fun to read, too!

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That’s all for today—thanks, as always, for reading and supporting this newsletter. See you right here next week. And keep an eye out for a new piece I wrote for The New Yorker tomorrow!