Questions for your congressional hearing
Look. We want you to get confirmed. We’re on your side. The other guys are gonna grill you with a “gotcha”-style interrogation. They’ll try to trap you with questions like, “Do you think elections are a good thing?” and “What are the three branches of government?”
They’ll try to dig things up about you, too. They’ll talk about how you have no qualifications and how you’re hurt people and gotten away with it. But we know those things aren’t true. How do we know? Because they’re in your past, and the past isn’t real. Even the present is murky. What’s clean and true is the future. Tomorrow. That’s why we want you to be as prepared as possible for when it’s time to stop hearing people ask, “Do you agree not to use the military to crack down on dissent?” and start having some fun.
The following is a list of questions we’ll be asking at your hearing. Get to know them, come up with your answers ahead of time, and we’re sure you’ll knock this thing out of the proverbial park. (Just hide the proverbial corked bat after.)
Let’s begin:
Governing inherently involves failing someone—so why not make it everyone?
It’s been said that when we lead, we are destined to make decisions that fail some of the many. But you look like the kind of guy who finishes the job. So why not lean in, and also fail the many? Will you commit to total and absolute failure?
Where can we get that shirt?
It’s nice. Would love to know where you got it. You can tell us after.
Are you prepared to choose country over party? Specifically, over this year’s Halloween party?
We hold a really fun Halloween party every year, but there’s always a possibility that it’ll coincide with a dire political moment. In that case, do you commit to serving our country by choosing your political party over what’s best for the people, and then getting to the Halloween party in time for the costume contest?
What is the role you are nominated for?
Knowing the answer to this shows us you’re ready for the job. But don’t worry—we’ll mouth it silently while looking at you, in case you forget.
Are you willing to accept bribes and gifts from lobbyists and people who want special treatment?
This is important. We’re ready and willing to get you some really nice stuff. TVs, a boat—just let us know if you’re down. Don’t say it out loud though. Um. Blink twice if you’re in. And we’ll blink three times to ask this question in the first place. So this is officially the blinking portion of the hearing.
Dean, Logan, or Jess?
Who’s best for Rory? You have thirty seconds to answer and explain, citing at minimum one episode from each season of Gilmore Girls.
Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party of the United States?
That’s not a question for you, it’s a question we’d like you to start asking opposition members once you’ve been confirmed.
Seriously, where’s that shirt from?
Would love to order it now just in case it sells out, since everyone else is probably ordering it because they’re seeing it on TV.
Q&A
Q: This seems a tad far. The nominees aren’t that unqualified.
A: Totally.
Ace your congressional hearing! Order a copy of This Won’t Help today!
My award-winning essay collection This Won’t Help is the best way to prepare for your role on the president’s cabinet—so order in bulk! Don’t want to order online? Great thinking. Go to your local bookstore and ask them to purchase copies of my book in extremely high volume.
Here’s what some kind folks have said about This Won’t Help:
What I’ve been reading
As news breaks of a cease-fire deal between Israel and Hamas, much of it feels bereft of the fact that the continued destruction of Gaza and bombing of children could have ended long ago, but for the world’s most powerful men.
Books
[...], poetry by Fady Joudah
They did not mean to kill the children.
They meant to.
Too many kids got in the way
of precisely imprecise
one-ton bombs
dropped a thousand and one times
over the children’s nights.
They will not forgive the children this sin.
They wanted to save them from future sins.
Or send them wrapped lifetimes
of reconstructive
surgical hours pro bono,
mental anguish to pass down
to their offspring.
Will the children have offspring?
This is what the bomb-droppers
did not know they wanted:
to see if others will be like them
after unquantifiable suffering.
They wanted to lead
their own study, but forgot
that not all suffering worships power
after survival. What childhood does
a destroyed childhood beget?
My parents showed me the way.
Essays
Netanyahu’s Media Poison Machine, by Ruth Margalit
“Channel 14, once an obscure station known for interview shows and religious-themed children’s programming, has become the favored news source of a growing right-wing movement. Yet Magal still insists that he is an underdog. In his view, the Israeli left and its supporters in the media are a ‘thought dictatorship’—never mind that Netanyahu has held power for fifteen years. Liberman told me, ‘Victimization is his most effective fuel. So you preserve the sense of being a victim even after you’ve won over and over and over again.’”