The Race Between the Democratic Incumbent and the Guy Who Wants Everyone to Drink Their Own Piss is Still Too Close to Call
We have a major election update: the race between the Democratic incumbent governor and the guy who wants everyone to drink their own piss is still too close to call.
Many people have speculated that this would be a race that came down to the wire, and so far that prediction has been correct. Polling throughout this election cycle has shown a sharp divide in this state’s voters: half want to keep their current governor, and the other half want everyone to have to drink a Slurpee-sized cup of their own piss every morning.
Let’s move on to the state’s Senate race, where we have yet another update: the race between the sitting Democratic senator and a Republican who wants to replace all music with chalkboard-scratching sounds is also still too close to call.
The sitting senator released a statement that she’s confident voters have made the right choice, and it’s just a matter of time until the results are confirmed.
When asked for comment, the Republican challenger told us, “We need to only be listening to bad, bad sounds. That’s just the way it’s gotta be. It’s your wedding night? I don’t care. Every song is nails on a chalkboard. Not the short kind, either—thick, long nails slowly scraping against one of those really old chalkboards that can’t ever fully be erased.” At the moment, he leads by a few hundred votes.
We end today’s report with one final election update: the high-profile race between a Democratic representative for the state and a Republican who wants cars to have more rights than people is, as we expected, still too close to call.
Votes are split almost exactly in half at the moment between those who support the current Democratic platform, and those who want to get rid of traffic lights, crosswalks, and sidewalks and let cars take over the world. Meanwhile, the independent candidate has siphoned a significant portion of votes away from the other two parties. That candidate is a car.
That concludes our latest election updates. In about an hour we should have a clearer sense on the local referendum that proposed replacing all of the city’s tap water with arsenic. For now, that vote is still too close to call.
Q&A about this piece
Q: I don’t know about the car one—what do you think?
A: You’re hung up on the car one, and not the one about drinking your own piss?
Q: Well, I don’t piss. I don’t have a body, which is required for pissing.
A: But what about all the voters who do piss? Do you think they should have to drink their own piss?
Q: I mean, why don’t they want to drink their own piss? Maybe they’re hiding something.
A: They don’t want to drink their own piss because it’s fucking gross.
Q: Maybe that’s what they want you to think. Maybe it’s actually delicious, and they’re keeping it from us.
A: People are already welcome to drink their own piss if they want. But this guy will force everyone to do it.
Q: I just can’t get my mind off the car thing.
A: Yeah, well, at least we agree on that.
Q: So you think we should all become cars, too?
A: Jesus Christ.
That’s all for this week—thanks for reading! Goodbye.
Radical communist groomers who refuse to drink their own piss are destroying this country.