Recall Notice: Your Lower Back™

Dear Valued Customer,

We regret to inform you that we are issuing an immediate recall on all Lower Back™ models that have been in circulation for 35+ years. Affected customers should immediately stop using their recalled Lower Back™ and contact one of our representatives for a free* repair.

We have received numerous reports of Lower Back™ models unexpectedly doing the following: tightening; spasming; giving out; and feeling OK right now actually, oh no, there it goes again, I need to stop sitting down and then standing back up, I guess I should just stand more often, but standing hurts too, so perhaps I was meant to lie down all day.

These are just a few of the many grievances leveled against our product. Of over 140 million customers of the impacted Lower Back™ models in the United States, approximately all of them have lodged a complaint.

But we’re working to change that. Starting this week, we’re offering a slate of alternatives to the Lower Back™, such as ten percent off the price of a Makeshift Standing Desk Made of Books You Don’t Read™ or, for those interested, a new product called Thursday Morning Physical Therapy On YouTube™.

In the meantime, we’re headed back to the research and development phase—focused not only on developing a new-and-improved Lower Back™, but also on redesigning the troublesome Knees™, enhancing the delicate Ability to Remember Anyone’s Name Anymore™, and overhauling the difficult-to-update Understanding New Trends™.

Finally, in an exciting development, we are completely revamping the Entire Body™. We’re hopeful that, before the end of this millennium, you’ll no longer need one. We recognize this may be far too late for all of you.

Please see below for our Lower Back™ recall frequently asked questions.

Q: Can I just have a NEW Lower Back™ instead of using the repair and maintenance options?

A: No. Unless you know something we don’t about the linear trajectory of time.

Q: Could you take a look at this rash?

A: We are not responsible for other maladies at the moment.

Q: I’ve heard sitting more might actually combat the negative impact of sitting. Is that true?

A: That’s something you made up just now.

Q: But maybe it’s correct.

A: It is not.

Q: So... do I have to?

A: Have to what?

Q: Fix it?

A: We are not liable for your future decisions regarding your Lower Back™.

Q: This is it though, right? In terms of recalls.

A: This is just the beginning.

That’s all the current information we have regarding our Lower Back™ recall. At least, that’s as much as we can currently remember. It seems like Memory™ may need a recall, so-to-speak. We’ll look into that.

For any further questions or assistance, please simply yell from the couch that you currently don’t want to get up from.

*The repair is not free, and it does not work.

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Behind the Writing

I’m working the kinks out on this one, so-to-speak. Clearly, today’s not a very ~topical~ newsletter day. To be fair, this issue is constantly topical for some of us. There are even some topical ointments that can help. But the main inspiration for this piece was: I stood up this morning and my back hurt. What about you.

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As you know, my upcoming collection of satirical essays called This Won’t Help: Modest Proposals for a More Enjoyable Apocalypse comes out October 24. You can pre-order it at any of the book-sellers linked here.