It’s Me, a Person Who’s About to Refute an Opinion Nobody Holds
“The awkward moment Joe Rogan realized the issue he was passionately ranting about was actually fake news has gone viral on social media.”—Yahoo News
Hi there, it’s me, a talking head on a Fox News show, or a guest on Joe Rogan’s podcast, or a far-right member of the House of Representatives, and I’m about to refute an opinion that nobody holds.
To the folks who want to completely ban people from growing their own food: you may not exist, but you are so, so wrong.
To the individuals who think I should go to jail if I don’t get my second COVID booster shot: I might’ve made you up, but you will never, ever win.
To the people who want to require abortions for everyone all the time and turn us into the movie Children of Men: you may be completely fictional, but you’re on the losing side of history, my friends.
To the jerks who want to make my guns vegan, you may be a couple different issues I’m conflating, but you’re what’s wrong with this country.
To the teachers who are trying to make my child get a PhD in critical race theory by the time they finish third grade, you might be a figment of my imagination, but I will do everything in my power to ruin your life.
To the politicians who are voting to make America part of the EU, you may be a super weird delusion I’m having, but you’re all traitors.
To my fellow citizens who want to remove the First Amendment from the constitution, you might be a meme a twelve-year-old created, but you shall not prevail.
And to anyone who doesn’t watch my show/listen to my podcast/vote for me, you may not actually be thinking about me all the time or even ever, but you’re all stalkers and weirdos in the scenario I just invented in my head.
Q&A About This Piece
Q: How can you refute an opinion if nobody holds that opinion?
A: He, like, just did it. Just now, right up there.
Q: But he didn’t—he just kept saying stuff like “you will never win.” That’s not… that’s not refuting something, that’s just an empty and vague threat. Does something even count as an “opinion” if nobody thinks it?
A: It is my opinion that yes, that does count as an opinion. Furthermore, I can’t believe you want me dead for agreeing with this guy.
Q: What?! I don’t want you dead at all, I just disagree with you!
A: You may not actually want me dead, but I just said you want me dead, and that is so terrible of you to have said in the scenario I just made up.
Q: Alright, goodbye.
A: Nothing to say, huh? Wow, I just saved my own life.
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That’s all for this week—thanks for reading! Goodbye.
I disagree with this piece based on the fact that Logan Paul might one day actually be president. Also albino squirrels might take over the world.