Earth's Annual "Thanksgiving" Celebration: Xornax's Report
Report regarding the annual celebration on Planet 146 (AKA “Earth”), researched and written by Xornax for the Interstellar Academy of Early-Evolutionary Planetary Study:
The primitive beings that inhabit Planet 146 refer to their home world as “Earth.” On Earth, these beings have identified themselves as “humans.” Every year, just before the cold season sets in, these humans hold a celebration in which they honor their most cherished gods. These gods include:
Charlie Brown
This “Charlie Brown” is a massive young child who never grows up and is always depressed. He seems to be one of the most ancient deities that Earth’s humans worship during their annual celebration, in which they parade an enormous inflated version of their many gods along their most commercially-viable district. This god, like most of Earth’s deities, is basically bald.
Kermit the Frog
This “Kermit the Frog” is, unsurprisingly, a giant green frog. This frog, unlike all other frogs, is able to speak and sing. Kermit the Frog seems to have a hybrid humanoid body. Earth’s humans prefer to portray this frog unclothed and naked, but without genitalia. The ideal form for these humans seems to generally NOT include reproductive organs. This is remarkable, given that their ideal form would involve a cessation of reproduction and a death of the species.
A Minion
Earth’s humans seem to revere a (of course) nearly-bald, one-eyed, blue-trousered “minion.” “Minion” is a human word that connotes diminutiveness—it is used to refer to those who do the bidding of others. At first, we found it odd for a deity to be of such low status. But after some time spent on Earth, we began to develop another theory: perhaps this is an intentional comparison—if a god can be human, then perhaps humans can become gods.
Boss Baby
On Earth, the youngest humans are referred to as “babies.” Meanwhile, those who are in charge of others (recall the idea of minions) are known as “bosses.” This particular god is a combination of the lowest and highest status humans: a true “Boss Baby.” Due to this dichotomy, we believe this “Boss Baby” to be the highest form of all the gods celebrated by Earth’s humans.
Following their parade of gods, humans spend the rest of the day arguing with their relatives and cooking food that, on any other day, they would never want to eat. It seems to be a day of penance for penance’s sake. They call this day “Thanksgiving,” which seems to be ironic—for none seem eager to thank or give, and certainly not to do both at the same time.
We will return in one Viboc (equivalent to one thousand Earth years) to analyze how much (or little) human traditions have changed.
—Xornax’s Primitive Planet Research Team