A State of the Union Recap, By George Santos
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A State of the Union Recap, By George Santos
For those who missed last night’s State of the Union, Rep. George Santos has kindly offered the following recap:
Hi, I’m George Santos. You may remember me from when I was the first person to step foot on the moon. I’m excited to give you a full recap of last night’s State of the Union. Let’s dive in.
When I first arrived at the Capitol, someone shouted, “George Santos, go home!” which could only mean one thing: they think of the House of Representatives as my new home, and they want me to go there as quickly as possible to start solving America’s problems. So I sprinted toward the door—and, coincidentally, away from reporters.
Once inside, I was led to my seat directly behind President Biden.
The president began his address by thanking members of Congress, the cabinet, the military, the justices, and then me, personally. He described how, “without George, none of this would be possible.” And he’s right—I was part of the team that invented American democracy. It never gets any less weird to remember that I’m my own founding father. I am 300 years old.
About ten minutes into his speech, President Biden made a big “T” with his arms to let us know we were all taking a short timeout. He wanted to give everyone else in the room a chance to come shake my hand.
It was during this time that Mitt Romney approached me and very clearly said, “George, you are the future of this country. In fact, I have trained myself to lucid dream so that I can hang out with a dream version of you every night. Wow, you are so cool.”
After the timeout, we took our seats again—mine being directly behind the president. During the rest of his speech, I held a whispered mediation between Vice President Harris and Speaker McCarthy. By the time we were done whispering, we had solved the Israeli–Palestinian conflict. Unfortunately, we forgot to write any of it down. We’ll try again next year.
Meanwhile, President Biden made some excellent points. Among them:
He insisted we rename Washington, DC to “George Santos Town,” which I graciously declined.
He had everyone stand up and do the hokey-pokey together, which was an idea I pitched him the night before.
He announced that there will never be a midterm election again, which means I get to have this job forever. Technically that means I have this job for the rest of my life, because I am immortal.
When the president concluded his address, he announced, “Now that I’ve warmed you all up, it’s time to hear from the man we all came here tonight to see.” Then he turned around to face me and said, “George, I set ‘em up. Now go knock ‘em down. The bully pulpit is yours.”
At this point, the news cameras had cut off their feeds out of concern for being unable to handle the unprecedented ratings they were about to get. That’s why you won’t see any evidence of what happened next. But I knew what it was time to do. I pulled out my guitar and said, “Let’s hear it one more time for my assistant, President Biden.”
The crowd cheered. I had to wait almost ten minutes for the ovation to subside. I took a breath and said, “Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.” And I started playing my new song, “Wonderwall,” for which I won a Grammy this past weekend.
The rest, as they say, is history.
Behind the Writing
I love writing as George Santos. There’s almost no limit to what you can have him say. However, there is one general rule: things need to be about him. That’s why the above reads like a daydream in which the world somehow manages to revolve entirely around George. Because as much as he can put on an air of disdain for comment in public, his entire narrative has always involved centering himself.
Need a very recent, wild example? Apparently he tried to get as close as he could to the aisle during the SOTU so Biden would have to shake his hand. Still didn’t happen! Better luck next time, George.
For a throwback: last year, I wrote this piece in the lead-up to the State of the Union. I’d say a year later, things are looking a whole lot better, slightly more acceptable, not too good, still pretty grim, I don’t know—what do you wanna hear?
That’s all for today—thanks, as always, for reading and supporting this newsletter. See you right here next week, or this Sunday if you decide to…