The firehouse has adjourned until Tuesday

Oct 04, 2023

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The firehouse has adjourned until Tuesday

“Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) was ousted as House speaker… The House has adjourned until Tuesday.”
—The Washington Post

Ah, yes, we can see the fire from here. That’s your house? OK, just stay put — we’ll be there next week. Sorry, but the firehouse has adjourned until Tuesday.

You’re right, that is a long time from now. Which is why we recommend staying away from any areas of your home that are actively on fire until we arrive, seven days from today.

The cause? We don’t need to come investigate to determine the cause of the fire. We know the cause. We’re the cause. We started a fire at your house.

Yes, it’s true, it was us. We saw our chance to set the place ablaze and we took it. God, it feels good to come clean.

And since we started the fire, we would — of course — love nothing more than to put it out. Unfortunately, the firehouse is on official recess starting right… now.

Ugh, “Why did we do it?” Enough with the questions! We’re supposed to be on vacation enjoying some nice dinner reservations, maybe setting the restaurant on fire when we leave — that kind of thing.

Fine, fine. You want to know why we started the fire at your house. Sure. It’s simple, really: Your house told us it was fireproof.

Your house didn’t literally talk to us, of course. We’re not crazy. But your house was giving off an “I’m fireproof” vibe, and we wanted to prove it wrong. So we set it on fire.

Oh, we’re also telling everyone that you set it on fire. In a way, you let us set your house on fire by having a house in the first place. So you can understand how the fire is your fault.

Alright, we’ll see you in seven days (when we’ll start the long and arduous process of deciding what to do about the fire). Good luck!

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My debut satirical essay collection hits shelves October 24, but you can preorder a copy right now! Preorders are very important. Without enough of them, the fire will never go out.

Here’s what early readers of This Won’t Help are saying:

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Behind the writing

Can you… can you guess what it’s about? Is it about a real fire?

Of course it’s not. It’s about hard-right Republicans calling a vote to oust Rep. Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House, sending Congress into limbo with just over a month left to get a deal to keep the government funded, and then immediately adjourning for a week-long recess.

My initial piece for today was going to be called:

Why everything is the Democrats' fault

Within minutes of the vote’s conclusion, reactionaries everywhere were doing their very best to level a charge of guilt against Democrats for the thing a chaotically dysfunctional Republican party did to itself. The piece was going to be a series of jokes around the idea that Democrats are responsible for all kinds of things not of their own design. Say, something like:

Unbelievable. The Democrats, with the help of a giant asteroid, have caused the dinosaurs to go extinct. What a mess.

But after writing that one single joke, I felt like I’d already overdone the entire bit. So I went the opposite direction and asked myself, How screwed would we all be if people in other (certainly less cushy!) lines of work did the same thing?

Well, if the GOP ran a firehouse, it might look something like what you just read.

That’s all for today — thanks for subscribing, and see you next week!