The only way to prevent car crashes is more cars
My debut book This Won’t Help came out last week! It spent a few days near the upper echelons of new releases in political humor. And now you have the power to put it back on top!
If you read my book and you like it, go leave a nice review on Goodreads or Amazon. Good reviews help other people find the book. Good reviews keep the book on store shelves. And good reviews from good people like you can be trusted — anything critical is, of course, written by a disgruntled chatbot.
Today I’m sharing another (funny, sad, etc.) excerpt from my collection, along with an introspective (not funny) “Behind the writing,” below.
The only way to prevent car crashes is more cars
Everyone seems to be talking about all the car crashes that have been happening lately. Many people are using these crashes to try and restrict our access to cars. Well I’m sorry, but as a car lobbyist, I’m here to tell you that the only way to prevent car crashes is with more cars.
Have you ever seen fully packed, standstill traffic on a highway? No crashes there! Sure, usually the traffic is because of a collision of some sort, but you get the point.
Many have suggested we should make it more difficult to get a car by requiring people to obtain a “driver’s license” through a series of tests. I’ll translate that for you: They are trying to take away our cars. This is how it starts: requiring a valid license. And here’s how it ends: getting your car taken away because you refuse to drive with a valid license.
Other people want to introduce things called “speed limits” to make it illegal to drive recklessly fast. Translation: They hate us because of our cars. Once you start putting speed limits up, when does it stop? They’ll keep getting lower and lower until all you’re allowed to do is just sit inside your car and not go anywhere.
And some people want to add things called “seat belts” to cars and require drivers to wear them as a safety precaution. Translation: They’ve clearly never driven a car before. How am I supposed to drive when I’m belted to the seat? Besides, it’s my right as an American to do anything I want and face zero consequences for it.
Nobody wants to talk about this, but the real problem that’s causing all these crashes is bad guys with cars. And how do you stop a bad guy with a car? A good guy with a car. Ever notice something all crashes have in common? They could have been stopped earlier if a good guy in a car had intervened and driven the bad guy in a car off the road. That would have been the good kind of car crash: the one that prevents a different crash.
So, to everyone who thinks that a world without cars is a safer one, remember this: It’s good guys in cars like me who keep the rest of you safe. Now, get out of the crosswalk, because I’ve got a yellow light and I’m definitely gonna make it.
Behind the writing
A quick heads up: this Behind the writing immediately touches on some difficult topics.
The day after my book hit shelves last week, a gunman carried out a mass shooting about 40 minutes north of where my wife and I live in Maine. I wrote about my proximity to a previous active shooter in Maine this past April in my recent piece on satire for Lit Hub. I’ve also written criticism previously of our inability to take necessary political action after these kinds of events.
The above excerpt is, of course, about America’s gun epidemic. (It can also be read quite literally about America’s car epidemic.) But it’s also about violence begetting violence — how our response to suffering is so often to create more suffering. And though it would be anachronistic to claim this piece I wrote two years ago has a more relevant meaning right now to our global crises, looking back on it has me thinking about the ways in which we justify unjustifiable violence, about the unrewarding tragedy of suffering, and about the way dehumanization dehumanizes all.
In that regard, I keep coming back to a line from Arielle Angel’s recent letter in Jewish Currents:
“…what Exodus reminds us is that the dehumanization that is required to oppress and occupy another people always dehumanizes the oppressor in turn. For people who feel like their pain is being devalued, it’s because it is; and that devaluation is itself a hallmark of the cycle of the diminishing value of human life.”
This diminishing value of human life is the ultimate tragedy — and the suffering it leads to has no reward. I’m reminded of Metamaus, in which Art Spiegelman recounts a conversation with his father, a Holocaust survivor, who tells Art, “Suffering doesn’t make you better, it just makes you suffer.”
I can’t end this newsletter without offering a way to take action. You can tell Congress to reinstate the assault weapons ban right now.
You can donate to the Palestinian Children’s Relief Fund here. Their direct work in Gaza is currently stalled due to the current scope of the conflict, but their necessary work will resume as soon as it is safe to do so.
And you can sign Amnesty International’s petition for a ceasefire here.
That’s all for today — thanks for subscribing, and see you next week.
Got my copy in the mail this week. Unfortunately, my children will prevent me from reading it until 2047, at which point I'll likely have died via car violence.
I'll leave a review anyway, because I'm an American.
Very funny. The sad part is that many gun enthusiasts would have no idea what you're trying to say and likely even agree with you.