The Supreme Court and the power of the paid vacation
My book This Won’t Help is three weeks old (life, as we know, begins at distribution). And this week, the Supreme Court adopted a new ethics code. Coincidence? Time will tell.
You: Is there any specification as to how the code will be enforced?
SCOTUS: Why would we want to enforce it?
Below is an excerpt that feels particularly relevant, if not fully prescient, to this week’s SCOTUS news. Read on, then call up your local bookstore and tell them you’re on your way, and they better have a copy of This Won’t Help ready and waiting for you.
The Supreme Court and the power of the paid vacation
We have updated your history textbook with the following passage on the Supreme Court of the United States. Please inform your students, current and past, wherever they may be in the world.
The United States Constitution establishes the judiciary as an independent branch of the federal government, of which the Supreme Court is a part. While Congress retains the Power of the Purse through congressional spending and the president retains the Power of the Military as commander in chief, the Supreme Court retains the Power of the All-Expenses-Paid Vacation.
All three branches are meant to be equal, acting as checks and balances on one another’s power. However, the Power of the All-Expenses-Paid Vacation and Stock Tips gives the Supreme Court, in many ways, final say. Some, like Alexander Hamilton, believed the Supreme Court needed to be even stronger than we currently know it to be. This belief may have been rooted in his feelings of loyalty and protectiveness toward the Constitution and the Federalist Papers, or perhaps he secretly loved going on free trips and being gifted large amounts of money in exchange for votes. We’ll never know.
When did the Supreme Court fully gain its Power of the Paid Vacation, Stock Tips, and High Sale Value of Property? We can’t be entirely sure, but some mark the court’s ruling on Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission in 2010 as an important milestone. That decision changed the way we elect our government officials and representatives. It also reinforced the Supreme Court’s Power of the Paid Vacation, Stock Tips, High Sale Value, and Generous Payroll Inclusion for Family Members.
The nine justices of the Supreme Court are the only members of government with lifelong appointments. But only about half of them take advantage of the Power of the Paid Vacation, Stock Tips, High Sale Value, Generous Family Payroll, and Real-Life Get Out of Jail Free Card. The others are seemingly content to perform their duties without any incentives beyond a lifetime guaranteed salary most people can only dream of.
All this leads to one final query: What does the future of the Supreme Court look like? Will the bench expand to twelve? Will the Power of the Paid Vacation expand to include unlimited margaritas? Well, we have some answers: The former is up in the air. The latter has already happened. What do you think they’re hiding under those giant robes? Gold-plated, topped-off novelty margarita glasses.
In order to compete, Congress is hoping to broaden their purview to be the Power of the Purse and the Complimentary Private Jet. Unfortunately, during the time it took you to read this sentence, the Supreme Court beat them to it.
Go rate and review This Won’t Help
The week after This Won’t Help hit shelves, it was added to the New Yorker’s list of “The Best Books We’ve Read in 2023 So Far.” I’m thrilled about that — so far.
But institutions aren’t people — people are people. (At least, they were before Citizens United.) If you liked This Won’t Help, you can give big middle finger to Citizens United and go leave the best review you can muster over on Amazon and Goodreads. Have fun with it!
Here’s what some folks have already said about This Won’t Help:
Behind the writing
You: Hey, that SCOTUS chapter from your book feels like you knew this was gonna happen. Did you know this was gonna happen?
Me: I don’t know anything, anything at all.
As I wrote in my recent piece for LitHub:
“Satire is a reaction to being alive and aware of the world at-large. And because history tends to repeat, satire sometimes feels like a prediction — months, years, decades, even centuries after it was written.”
Joyce put it a bit more eloquently:
“History is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake.”
Now go, take any bribes you possibly can!