This threat to democracy must be certified

For years, we’ve been reminding you that this man is a danger to democracy and a scourge on our nation. His election back into our highest office is a terrifying, perhaps fatal turning point in American history. He will bring about a backslide from which we may never recover. But what is most important right now is civility. Propriety. Politeness. Today, we’re taking the high road—the one that leads directly off a cliff. This dire threat to democracy must be certified.

Four years ago, this man incited an insurrection. He attempted to thwart the democratic process, to overturn an election. We must never forget what happened that day, no matter how many ways he bends its truth. We must tell of its violence in our history books and teach of its blight to our children so it may never be repeated. Except today, when we need to come together and agree on one thing: That guy should be in charge.

You may be asking, “Wait, so everything’s suddenly fine now? Process takes precedence over country?”

Never! Never. Never, ever. Just today, though. Today, yes.

Look, we understand more than anyone how bad things may get. Which is why we will never stop fighting this. We’re simply going to fight it by giving up—which, if you’ve been paying attention, we basically did years ago.

This man is a tyrant. A fascist. A money-loving, fame-grubbing oligarch. A charlatan. A hypocrite. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, but he’s taken all his clothes off. A snake in the grass, but we mowed the grass, and we can all see the snake, and we’re all saying, “That’s a snake! A poisonous snake! We must let it inside! We’ll show that snake just how polite we are! Hug us, snake, hug us until our bones are dust!”

So let us raise our hands and our voices in accord. Let us agree to disagree. Let us shout from the rooftops, “This man will destroy us all!” and let us keep shouting that while we make him our king. Amen.

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Q&A

Q: OK, that’s kind of funny and satirical or whatever, but what do we… do about all of it?

A: Don’t worry, we made it.

Q: We made it?

A: Yeah, this all won’t last much longer. You can breathe a sigh of relief. We’ve finally all made it to 2025, the very last year.

Q: What do you mean by “the very last year”?

A: 2025 will be the final year we ever get.

Q: But you said 2023 would be the final year.

A: We’ve had to make some corrections.

Q: So you might be wrong about this one, too.

A: I hope I am.

Q: It’s almost as if every year is the final year.

A: Yes! That’s correct, actually.

Q: How can that be?

A: Of all the years, the one we’re in is the last one—so far as we know.

Q: But given all the times we’ve made it to another year, why can’t we expect that to keep happening?

A: If your only proof of something happening again is that it’s happened before, then I’m not sure what to call you.

Q: A… scientist. That’s a scientist.

A:

Q: Are we done?

A:

Q: Did you leave?

A:

Q: I’m not sure I understand what’s going on.

A: You see, just because I always answered before doesn’t mean I’ll always keep answering.

Q: You just answered, though.

A: Damnit.

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Tackle 2025 with This Won’t Help

My award-winning essay collection This Won’t Help is the perfect way to prepare for our final year (or the next four)—so order in bulk! Don’t want to order online? Great thinking. Go to your local bookstore and ask them to purchase copies of my book in extremely high volume.

Read it already? Leave a (honest-but-full-of-endless praise) review

This Won’t Help was a Foreword INDIES Gold winner in humor and landed on The New Yorker’s Best Books of 2023 list. But institutions aren’t people — people are people. (At least, they were before Citizens United.) If you liked This Won’t Help, you can give big middle finger to Citizens United and go leave the best review you can muster over on Amazon and Goodreads.

Here’s what some folks have said about This Won’t Help: