Trolley Problem Updates
Here at the Office of Ethics, recent events have forced us to make some updates to one of our most famous thought experiments: The Trolley Problem. Please see below.
Trolley Problem Update #1
There is a runaway trolley hurtling along some railway tracks. Up ahead, five people are tied to the tracks and unable to move—and the trolley is headed directly at them. Luckily, there is a lever next to you. If you pull this lever, the trolley will switch to a different set of tracks. However, there is still one person tied to the new set of tracks, and also the trolley is carrying hundreds of tons of highly flammable and hazardous chemicals. Thrilling!
You have two—and only two—options:
Do nothing. The trolley will run over five people, and hopefully not spill any chemicals. Fingers crossed!
Pull the lever and save those five people, but still run over one person. Tell everyone it could’ve been way worse—especially because of what’s inside the trolley. Go back to lobbying for deregulation.
Solution
Both options are grim, but we recommend the second. Whatever gets you back to working for your bottom line!
Trolley Problem Update #2
There’s a runaway trolley. Five people are tied to the tracks, and the trolley’s headed directly at them. If you pull a lever, the trolley will switch tracks. However, there’s one person tied to the other tracks, and also the trolley is carrying hazardous chemicals, and also the trolley hasn’t been updated in decades and it’s falling apart, and also they fired all the people who know how to drive the trolley, and whoever’s left isn’t allowed to get sick or go on vacation. Fascinating!
You have two—and only two—options:
Do nothing. Let the trolley run over five people, derail, cause an environmental disaster, and then just talk about UFOs and balloons instead.
Pull the lever, save those five people, run over one person, derail the train, create an ecological catastrophe, and then pretend it didn’t happen—and even if it did happen, tell everyone that it’s actually not that bad and everything’s totally fine. Also, UFOs!
Solution
Neither option is ideal, so perhaps try both!
Trolley Problem Update #3
Runaway trolley. Five people ahead. Pull a lever, trolley switches tracks, also trolley is carrying hazardous chemicals, also trolley hasn’t been updated in decades, also they fired everyone who works on trolley, also no sick days, and also there are a bunch more trolleys just like this one on a bunch of other tracks all doing the same thing. Wowzers!
You have two—and only two—options:
Do nothing. Literally nothing. Just let trolleys full of chemicals keep crashing until it happens near you. Pretend you’ve always wanted to drink water full of vinyl chloride.
Pull the lever, and when the trolley derails, immediately tell everyone nearby it’s totally safe to stick around. Tell them the giant, foreboding gas clouds blocking out the sun are completely normal and isn’t it nice to have shade for once?
Solution
Again, a difficult choice. But we finally have a surefire answer: the most important people to think about aren’t tied to the tracks or living nearby—the most important people are your shareholders. Always pull whatever lever will make your shareholders happy. That’s how you solve the Trolley Problem.
Behind the Writing
Did you know that, per Vox, the railroad industry has “relied on a system called precision-scheduled railroading that aggressively optimizes to run as much cargo with as few workers as possible?” No? Me neither.
Rail workers don’t even get paid sick days. It’s truly… fucked up! Congress prevented a rail worker strike last year over poor staffing and sick leave. This country cares about corporations, not people.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the East Palestine disaster, as well as the thousands of other chemical spills and leaks that have happened across the country over the past few years. Families, workers, pets, and the earth are all deeply affected, hurt, and destroyed by our willingness to put profit over people and sales over safety.
The Trolley Problem gets brought up a lot, especially recently when thinking about political and environmental issues. As you know, I’m in the business of holding up a funhouse mirror up to society—even when the topic at hand isn’t particularly fun. Or house.
With the above, things are grim and bleak and definitely not house. But I also saw an opportunity to poke at the way we handle crises and think about ethical problems and their solutions. So that’s where I went with it.
In conclusion, the number one rule of humor is that it makes a piece of satire more powerful if you explain it. So, you’re welcome.
That’s all for today—thanks, as always, for reading and supporting this newsletter. See you right here next week, or this Sunday if you decide to…
Makes me glad I don’t have shareholders.
Good stuff, Eli.