Unfortunately, you've been listed on my flight logs

Hi all, hope this finds you well. Unfortunately, I’m writing to let you know that you’ve been listed on my flight logs.

To be clear: I don’t have a plane, and you’ve never flown on the plane I don’t have. But I still keep a log of everyone who I would invite on the plane I don’t have if I had one. And you’re on that list.

People may start reaching out to you and saying things like, “You monster!” That’s probably for something else you did. Nobody knows about my flight logs because I keep them in my head and — again — I don’t own or operate a plane.

I have more bad news. You’ve appeared in the guest book for my island.

Full transparency: I don’t own an island, but sometimes I feel like an island. And if my phone is my guest book, you’re on it. And even though I don’t have your specific number or name, I do have all ten numbers at my disposal (0-9), which means I could call you, if I had your number, which means theoretically you’re in my phone, which is my guest book, which is the guest book for me, an island.

So… yikes!

You might be wondering, Why “yikes?” Would it be bad to appear on this guy’s made-up flight logs and imaginary island guest book?

We can’t be sure, because I made them up. But what I can tell you is that if you’re receiving this email, you’ve appeared at least once, if not multiple times, in my many various and pretend documents. You flew on my fictional jet and spent time at my notional lagoon. All that is to say: you should probably hire a make-believe lawyer.

Some folks have been asking me who, specifically, has been listed on my flight logs. Here’s a truncated list:

Cliff Calvin
Carla Tortelli
Sam Malone
Diane Chambers
Norm Peterson
Frasier Crane

You may be thinking, Those are just the characters from Cheers, right? Wrong. Those are not the characters from Cheers, they just happen to have the same names as the characters from Cheers. What they do have in common with the characters from Cheers is that like the characters from Cheers, they all flew on my hypothetical plane, and also none of them actually exist.

And you may be thinking, Why even write this, if none of it’s true? Because I care. I care about you. And even though they’re completely of my own creation and have no bearing on reality, I want to make sure you know that you’ve appeared on my flight logs, along with all the characters from Cheers and a group of people who have the same names as the characters from Cheers, but (and this is important) not the actual actors from Cheers.

Yes, unfortunately, it seems that the world finally knows the truth: Sometimes, as I’ve concocted it in my head, you wanted to go where everyone (me) knew your name (and then logged it.) Cheers!

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Behind the writing

Today? First day back — and the first newsletter of 2024 needed to go off the rails. Runway. Whatever. It’s the law.

Powerful people will always try to downplay their involvement with bad things, only once the public knows about those bad things — and is upset about those bad things. (See Trump, for an example of the former without enough of the latter.) The above isn’t an exact mapping of that idea, but that’s in part because I’m trying to be a little less direct and a little more surprising with my flash satire writing.

Happy new year, by the way. I took a break over the holidays. I was also very sick, though, so… was it really a break?

Either way, now I’m back in your inbox each week with something new and (hopefully) funny that I feel like writing. If you’re new here, that’s pretty much what to expect. If you want more, you can get access to the entire archives (hundreds of humor pieces) and occasional Sunday subscriber-only material when you sign up for a paid subscription. Paid subscribers are the beating heart of this newsletter.

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Leave a nice review, would ya?

My debut book This Won’t Help came out in the fall. If you’re one of the enlightened few who have read it so far, please consider leaving a nice review on Goodreads or Amazon. Good reviews help other people find the book. Good reviews keep the book on store shelves. And good reviews from good people like you can be trusted — anything critical is, of course, written by a disgruntled chatbot.

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That’s all for today — thanks for subscribing, and I’ll see you soon (on the plane I don’t own.)