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Here at Boston Dynamics, We’ve Created Yet Another Thing We Should Immediately Destroy
Here at Boston Dynamics, we’re known for our constant, terrifying innovations. You’ve probably seen countless videos of our alarming four-legged robots bounding around a closed course doing things that make you think they wish you harm. Or you’ve seen videos of one of our employees trying to push one of those robots over, only for the robot to—in a moment that haunts our collective dreams—push back.
Well, we’re excited to announce that as of today, we’ve created yet another robot that we should probably immediately destroy if we want any hope of surviving as a human race.
Let’s see how it works first:
This new robot stands on its hind legs. That should be a red flag, immediately. Anything that’s not alive but “stands on its hind legs” should, at a minimum, be shot into space.
But it only gets better (or worse, if you’re thinking about it from humanity’s point of view):
Our latest robot is able to walk, run, jump, do a backflip, carry large items, and throw those large items very far. Isn’t that incredible? We should probably definitely bury it ten miles underground and then never talk about this again.
Another exciting development is that this new robot can make rudimentary decisions based on its observation of its own environment. What does that mean? To put it simply: we need to smash this thing to bits and shut down our entire company.
But we’re not stopping here. We have years of development mapped out, and we can’t wait to show you what’s next. For instance, we believe that by 2030, the need for humans to perform any kind of hands-on job will be a thing of the past—because humans will be a thing of the past.
Isn’t that thrilling? The strides we’ve been making are nearly as large as the strides of our autonomous monster robot. In time, the only thing left for humans to do will be to regroup and form a short-lived resistance to our robot overlords.
In the meantime, we’ll be working hard on improving this robot, and then maybe probably hopefully destroying it by any means necessary.
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Behind the Writing
I saw this new video from the seemingly ubiquitous robotics company Boston Dynamics today, and my first thought was, “Why?”
My second thought was, “We need to kill this with fire.”
I have a similar reaction to these robots as I do to AI and AI chat:
What is the goal?
Why are we doing this?
I’m no Luddite, and I’m excited to see where human innovation will take us next. And I can certainly appreciate the specific opportunity for keeping workers out of harm’s way via autonomous robots. But it seems to me that some of our current cutting-edge technology is centered around one underlying premise: human beings, their abilities, and their thoughts are replaceable and unnecessary. Also: these machines will absolutely be used against us.
I could be wrong. And I hope I’m wrong! But either way, if I see one of these robots on the street, I’m pushing it into traffic.
Over the next couple weeks, I’ll be rolling out the Here’s Something subscriber chat. It’ll be a conversation space in the Substack app that I set up exclusively for my subscribers—kind of like a group chat. Eventually, I’ll post short prompts, thoughts, and updates that come my way, and you can jump into the discussion. So keep an eye out for an email invite!
That’s all for today—thanks, as always, for reading and supporting this newsletter. See you right here next week. Or this coming Sunday, if you decide to…