We're being maximally transparent. For instance, we [REDACTED]
Here at the Department of Government Efficiency, we’ve been accused of operating in the dark—surprising agencies, creating turmoil, gaining access to classified information, and providing very little detail about all of it. This couldn’t be further from the truth. We’re all about transparency. For instance, we [REDACTED], which is why we stopped funding cancer research. See? Everything is out in the open. Here’s a few more for you:
Late last night, we broke into [REDACTED], and now all your Social Security money is invested in [REDACTED]. You’re welcome.
Today, our team agreed that [REDACTED], which led to our decision to end Medicare and Medicaid. Makes perfect sense now, right?
The [REDACTED] branch has been folded into the [REDACTED] branch, so now the country is run entirely by the [REDACTED] branch. It’s simpler that way.
We met with [REDACTED] who told us [REDACTED] and that’s why we’re going to invade [REDACTED]. Good luck, you’re all [REDACTED].
Even with this amount of transparency, many have asked to see our financial disclosures. Understandable. Here’s the deal: We make [REDACTED] every time we close a government agency, and I personally take home [REDACTED], which is only such a large number because I don’t pay [REDACTED], which you can get away with if you know the right loopholes. However, the real way this all benefits me is I can ensure certain large government contracts to [REDACTED] don’t stop, even as I gut the rest. Clear enough?
You want to know details about my staff? You want to know what makes unelected twenty-somethings qualified to take over your government? They’re open books. They all technically work for [REDACTED] and are paid by [REDACTED]. Many of them believe that [REDACTED], which is even a little extreme for me, but I’m learning a lot from them.
Look: I’m not going to pretend like we won’t make mistakes. We all make mistakes, right, [REDACTED]? But the one mistake we won’t make is keeping secrets from you, like how we [REDACTED] your [REDACTED], so you’ll need to [REDACTED] if you don’t want polio. And that’s a promise.
This is a brave new world, folks. You might feel overwhelmed at first by how open and transparent this administration is going to be. That’s all right. Rest assured, we will continue to [REDACTED] and replace all of your [REDACTED] with [REDACTED]. That way, you’ll never have to ask us another question ever again.
Sincerely,
[REDACTED]
Q&A
Q: What was the inspiration for this piece?
A: [REDACTED]
Q: Come on. Be serious.
A: Yesterday, the wealthiest man in the history of the world, unelected, stood next to the president in the Oval Office and went on a long meandering rant accusing government agencies of fraud without presenting any evidence. Then he returned to bulldozing critical government programs at-will with no oversight and zero transparency. Our country has been usurped by billionaires. This is a coup and nobody seems to want to do anything. Available paths away from totalitarianism are fast disappearing, and most people simply want to stop hearing about it. But politics isn’t some other thing happening way over there. You can ignore politics, but politics won’t ignore you.
Q: There. Was that so hard?
A: [REDACTED]
Q: Well, that wasn’t very nice to say.
What I’ve been reading
It’s time for a united front to take on billionaire rule, Luis Feliz Leon
“It’s high time for a united front coalition — a broad working-class movement that fights for all workers, welcoming everyone, regardless of gender or immigration status. What’s needed is nothing short of a coalitional bloc premised on organized labor’s highest values and unifying ethos: An injury to one is an injury to all. The question is which unions will step up and take on the mantle of leadership”
If 'Here's Something' ever launches a line of t-shirts, here's my idea for a simple yet elegant design:
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