Your New Credit Card Rewards
Sorry for my absence the past two weeks… I was busy getting married on the Staten Island Ferry!! (Photo for *proof* below).
And now, without further ado or apology, here’s today’s piece of humor for you:
Your New Credit Card Rewards
Dear valued customer,
You may be wondering why you’re receiving an updated version of the same credit card that you’ve been using for years. Well it’s simple, really: it’s all about the rewards. We’ll explain:
Every day that goes by without using your new card at a restaurant, we’ll drown one of our ten pet fish.
You read that right! We’re trying to make our customers cherish every moment, and we believe the looming threat of committing indirect manslaughter will help you make more of life’s special moments.
But that’s not all we’re offering! We’re proud to announce that we’ve partnered not only with restaurants, but also with gas stations. So long as you use this card every single day at a restaurant and a gas station, all our fish will stay alive.
That’s right, you need to use the card at both a restaurant AND a gas station. It can’t be just one or the other. It has to be both.
Some people have expressed concern that they don’t drive enough to warrant filling up on gas every single day. Well, if you care about our pet fish you will!
By the way, we named each of our fish. Todd and Lisa are our favorites.
Other people have expressed concern that they can’t afford to go out to eat every single night. In that case, it sounds like Todd and Lisa can’t afford to live.
Some people have asked, “How do you drown a fish?” And then when we’ve shown them how, they’ve gotten really, really upset.
Lisa just had kids.
That’s right, now there are more fish! Which means more chances to go out to restaurants and gas stations every day!
We hope you take advantage of this new, exciting rewards opportunity. Hey—Lisa’s kids sure hope you do!
Thanks again for being a valued customer. We’ll see you next week with an updated card and brand-new benefits! (Hint: we just adopted some puppies!)
Q&A about this piece
Q: Do these… count as rewards?
A: Sure! You’re being rewarded by the fish living.
Q: It feels more like a threat, no?
A: Potato potato.
Q: You just said potato twice.
A: Yeah.
Q: Well, you’re supposed to say, like, potato potahtoe.
A: Why would I say potahtoe? What the hell is a potahtoe?
Q: I… never mind.
A: Ooh, a restaurant! Pull over! Let’s save those fish!
Q: Pull over? We’re not driving.
A: I know, I just like to pretend.
Married!
I promised proof! We got hitched on the Staten Island Ferry. I’m very happy.
That’s all for this week—thanks for reading! Goodbye.