You're invited to my birthday military parade
You’re reading Here’s Something, the satirical newsletter critics call “Too much,” “Not enough,” and “I don’t remember signing up for this.”
Dear neighbors,
It’s been a long time since my birthday. Almost a year, in fact. That’s why I’m excited to announce that I’ll be celebrating another turn around the sun with a military parade through our neighborhood. You and your families are all invited. If you can’t make it, no worries. Not a big deal! Just RSVP “no,” and I will simply have you arrested.
For those attending, here’s what you can expect:
First and foremost, I’ll be rolling up and down our street in a tank. Why? Because this parade isn’t just in observance of my birthday—it’s also the anniversary of when I got this tank. I’ll be joined by several thousand paid armed forces, about fifty helicopters, a few dozen horses, two mules, and a dog. No, Susan, the dog will not be on a leash. As HOA President, I’ve issued an executive order that dogs are no longer required to be on leashes. My dogs, specifically. If your chickens keep disappearing, maybe they just don’t like being cooped up.
I want to be upfront: this parade is going to cause a lot of damage. As Jerry keeps pointing out when he passes me on his morning power walk, our street is not very wide, nor is it built to accommodate a battalion. Flower beds will be trampled. Sidewalks will be razed. Don’t worry, I’m going to pay for any necessary repairs with all of your money. That’s a promise.
Speaking of finances, everyone’s been asking me how much this parade is going to cost. My team did the math, and we’ve been able to obtain a very accurate and specific number. This price tag is not an estimate—it’s very real, because I’m all about transparency. Don’t roll your eyes, Cecelia. I always stick to a budget. This parade is going to run us all exactly somewhere between fifty and two hundred million dollars. Now, I understand that may seem like a lot of money. But that’s only because it is.
I know I’ve led the charge on budget cuts around the neighborhood lately, and many of you feel that this parade is spitting in the face of all that. Like when you all did a fundraiser for Denise and I reallocated that money to a secret, unnamed project. That project was this parade. And trust me when I tell you: Denise didn’t need surgery so she could live; she wanted surgery so she could live. That comes out of your own pocket, Denise. This parade, on the other hand, is necessary to demonstrate to the rest of the town that we have more tanks than they do. They actually don’t have any tanks at all—they just have school buses. What good are those?
A warning: If any of you are planning to protest my parade, you might want to think twice. I’m looking at you, Frank and Carol. I’ve made a second executive order (after the amazing and beloved leash ban) that our entire block is a no-protest zone. Any gathering of any kind will be considered a violent insurrection, something I happen to be an expert in and am actually really, really good at. If you want an example of this, I’ve instituted the same policy a few towns over. Did I have the authority to do that? No. But was it necessary? Definitely not. Did I do it anyway? Yes. If you’d like to lodge a complaint, please do so by speaking with one of the other HOA board members who also happen to be my family members. And before you say anything, Todd, there is no minimum age requirement to be on the board. They are all highly qualified individuals, even my six-year-old son.
PS. If this goes well, we’ll be doing one of these every month.
Sincerely,
Your Supreme HOA Leader Who Definitely Will Be Remembered Fondly in This Town's History, Douglas J. Trundle
As published yesterday with McSweeney’s.
Here’s where the satire ends. Don’t worry, it’ll be back in the next newsletter. And the one after that. Nothing ever really ends.
What I’ve been reading
If it seems like there’s something deeply wrong about hordes of militarized, geared-up, gun-toting men in masks showing up at school pick-ups to rip moms away from their children, that’s because it is deeply fucking wrong. And if it seems like there’s something deeply cowardly about hordes of militarized, geared-up, gun-toting men in masks firing live munitions into crowds of people exercising their First Amendment right, that’s because it is deeply fucking cowardly. Hamilton Nolan, as he so often does, puts it best in his latest:
“I don’t know about all of that. What I do know is that if you are looking for negative role models for masculine virtue, there is an easy way to find them. They are employed by ICE. They are employed by the Department of Homeland Security. They are employed by the sprawling and unaccountable security state, and right now, they are out on the streets of our cities, snatching up mothers and infiltrating elementary schools. There is much to be said about the political processes that deployed these men, and the chain of socioeconomic failures that placed our nation in the position we find ourselves. But there is another important thing to be said directly to the men who go to work every day and don the tactical vests and facemasks and act like the willing gestapo agents of our idiot political leader: You guys are fucking cowards.”
Is there a rain date?