A Few More Last-Minute Baseball Rules

Tomorrow is Opening Day here at Major League Baseball. You’ve seen the headlines about our new pitch clock to help speed up the game, but we’d like to announce a few more last-minute rule changes:

The pitcher’s mound is now directly in front of home plate. Pitcher and batter should take this opportunity to do a little kiss.

The “Seventh Inning Stretch” is now a mandatory yoga class. Please feel free to continue to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” so long as you are simultaneously performing a downward-facing dog.

We have made the bathrooms (somehow) much harder to find.

The bases, as most of you know, are slightly larger this year. The bases will continue to grow larger each season until there is only base, no field. This will finally fulfill the sport’s name, which is baseball—not basefieldball.

For one inning each game, both teams must swap some players and mix everyone up so they can all make new friends.

If a grand slam is hit during a game, all fans in attendance may join the batter on the field to trot around the bases. Play will resume once everyone has made their way back to their seat. We have not tested this yet, but we’re hopeful it won’t add more than a few hours to each game.

If someone drops a pop-fly, we’re encouraging everyone to just pretend like they didn’t see it happen. Have you ever been embarrassed before? It feels terrible. Please simply look around and gesture as if you completely missed the play.

If you catch a foul ball, you are officially on the team. You must enter the batting order, and whoever hit the ball foul in the first place must take your seat and watch. Best of luck.

The national anthem is very hard to sing, but not hard enough. Instead, we will be opening every game with a rendition of “Climb Ev'ry Mountain” from The Sound of Music, which is even more difficult to sing.

The baseball itself is now made of floam, the slimy substance made with polystyrene beads. We encourage fielders to take their time squeezing and crackling the floam ball as much as possible, especially when they are mic-ed up. We desperately hope this appeals to TikTok, as it certainly makes hitting or catching the ball impossible.

We have introduced a tee-ball stand for anyone who would like a little extra help at the plate. You don’t have to use it, but you are allowed.

We know everyone wants to get home at a reasonable hour, so all games will now end at exactly 9pm. This goes both for games that begin at 7pm, and those that begin at 1pm.

---

Behind the Writing

Tomorrow is Opening Day!

---

That’s all for today—thanks, as always, for reading and supporting this newsletter. See you right here next week, or this Sunday if you decide to…