Finally, the elites have been defeated by the billionaires

“Resentment against elites proved to be deeper and more profound than many in both parties had recognized.”
— NYT

“Many other billionaires and industry titans have thrown their support behind Trump. Now, some could be in the running for cabinet posts, while others may wield influence behind the scenes.”
— USA Today

At long last, the privileged elites have been defeated. And by who? The perfect heroes, of course. The ultimate anti-elites. The champions of the average worker. The most relatable folks on the planet: The billionaires.

Finally, the out-of-touch vision of the ruling class has been thwarted by a handful of the world’s wealthiest people who plan to make even more money off the suffering of the poor and disenfranchised. Take that, aristocrats!

But how did we get here? How did we win the fight against the corporate political machine that’s out to line its pockets at the expense of the most vulnerable? The answer is simple: a corporate political machine that’s out to line its pockets at the expense of the most vulnerable. Check and mate.

The good news is true. The pendulum has swung. The power now lies in the hands of the people—specifically, the people with the most money. The coastal elites have been bested by the coastal elites. But not without the help of financial backing from the Silicon Valley elites, ringing endorsements from the Texas elites, and, of course, journalistic support from the e-commerce and cloud computing elites. Thank you, the elites, for defeating the elites.

And we can’t forget organized labor. After a lengthy battle, we’ve won a great victory for unions by putting a guy in charge who hates unions, bankrolled by the planet’s richest man who hates unions even more, and cheered on by mega-millionaire owners of media conglomerates and martial arts organizations who threaten their employees and lie to their talent to keep them from unionizing.

In short, the unions have been saved from themselves. “Take that, corporate oligarchy!” That’s a quote from the corporate oligarchy.

What about the billionaires who weren’t on the front lines in the fight against the elites? Don’t be too hard on them—they watched patiently from the sidelines, biding their time, ready to tag in at a moment’s notice. And now that the billionaires have won, the other billionaires have congratulated those billionaires to show their billionaire solidarity. Because if we don’t have class solidarity, what else do we have?

Finally, you may be wondering: did anyone see this coming? Of course. Those of us who were paying attention sure did. We saw the signs. A widening wealth gap can only be solved by one group: the people doing the widening. We can now move past an era of robber barons and political shills, and instead look forward to a future filled with robber barons and political shills.

And if those barons and shills ever get too out of control, we’ll just need to find some even richer guys to take them down. But for now, my friends, we can breathe easy—because once and for all… the elites have finally been defeated by the billionaires.

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Q&A

Q: What inspired today’s piece?

A: A victorious end to class warfare.

Q: Whose victory?

A: Exactly.

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What I’ve been reading

MARTYR! by Kaveh Akbar
Kaveh’s first novel reads a lot like his poetry: exhilarating, moving, deeply funny. This book is doing things I haven’t really seen done before. Martyrdom, addiction, belonging, biculturalism, Lisa Simpson—it’s got it all. And if you haven’t read Calling a Wolf a Wolf yet… do!

LEVERAGE by

Amran Gowani

Another week, another book I’m not actually reading because it hasn’t come out yet. There’s nobody better suited than Amran to write a hedge fund thriller that takes on the corruptive power of capitalism. Preorder it.

This Won’t Help by Me
My debut essay collection is just over a year old. It just started saying its first words. Help it grow—buy a few copies for your friends, family, and (most importantly) your sworn enemies.