Our Latest Study

According to our latest study, any amount of alcohol increases your risk of cancer. Also, a glass of wine each week may help you live forever. Even one beer is enough to cause permanent damage. But the enzymes contained in alcohol can make you physically as strong and as fast as bear. Do not drink it. Have some, though, if you want. But don’t touch it.

Our latest study finds that chocolate consumption can cause cardiovascular disease. The oldest woman in the world eats only chocolate for every meal. Do not be in the same room as chocolate. Always cook with cocoa powder, even for breakfast. Do not enter a store that sells it. Bathe in it. Ban it from your town.

Our latest study shows that coffee is good for your heart. But too much coffee can cause heartburn, ulcers, and increased anxiety. And not enough coffee will leave you in a permanent sleep, a curse that can only be broken by true love’s kiss. If your true love drinks coffee, their kiss will turn you to stone. But if you drink coffee, you will shatter out of that stone, reborn as a God.

Our latest study suggests that cannabis can lower blood pressure and reduce inflammation. Ingesting cannabis in any form will cause you to irreversibly lose your memory. You will be forced to retrace your steps by interpreting the many words and images mysteriously tattooed all over your body. Cannabis can ease chronic pain. It will also turn your life into a Christopher Nolan film.

Our latest study tells us that this newsletter can be confusing. Also, researchers have proven that this newsletter can solve the world’s problems. This newsletter is not a panacea. But it is a cure-all. It should never be read out loud. Read it every morning and also before bed.

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Pre-Order My Book

My upcoming collection of satirical essays called This Won’t Help: Modest Proposals for a More Enjoyable Apocalypse hist shelves out October 24. You can pre-order it wherever books are sold!

If you don’t have a personal preference, try any of the book-sellers linked here:

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Behind the Writing

Studies and research are good. P-hacking is not. The scientific method is important. Pushing headline-catching diet and health advice for the sake of clicks is not.

This one just felt funny. Sometimes that’s all it takes.

Oddly enough, while this piece was on my mind, House Republicans approved a bill Tuesday that “would prohibit use of federal funds to regulate gas stoves as a hazardous product.” In this specific case, all evidence supports the contrary. Not a single study says “gas stoves are awesome for your health.” Terrific stuff, everyone.

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That’s all for today. Thanks, as always, for reading and supporting this newsletter. Have some chocolate tonight. Never eat chocolate again. I’ll see you right here next week—or this Sunday if you decide to…