The right side of history (the side where it ends)
It seems as if things are getting worse by the minute. The pillars are crumbling. The foundation sinking. The plates sliding underneath us, opening chasms. Not to fear, comrades. Never to worry. At the end of the day, we can take comfort knowing that we’re on the right side of history—the side that’s the end.
You see, history had a beginning. Scholars refer to this as the “left side” of history, assuming we’re looking at a long line and reading left to right. There’s general disagreement over when this beginning occurred, but most experts have concluded that history started way over there, on left, and it’s been heading this way, to the right, ever since.
The furthest side of history, the point all the way to the right (opposite from where it started) is generally considered the end. Recent testing shows that we may be approaching—or have already reached—that point. So breathe easy. Rest well. Stand tall, for we are all of us together on the right side of history.
There are other theories, of course. Whispered in the backs of cafes. Muttered among friends in living rooms, with a towel covering the Alexa. Ideas about curves rather than lines. The x-y axis brought to heel. Something less geometric, more unpredictable, more fractal, more human. It’s the thought that our understanding of history is flawed—that not only was there never a beginning, but there may also never be an end. But then how to situate ourselves? What cardinal of direction can we muster from a flat circle, or some yet-defined oblong shape? What am I to do if I cannot discretely describe myself as sitting here on the edge, that most right side of history?
To slough off the yoke of history’s predefined linear trajectory, I would have to do something other than stand here and affirm, “I was right” as the world folds in on itself. And I, um… don’t want to do that. I’m tired today and I’d rather do something else.
Q&A
Q: Did today’s newsletter start as a reply you made to a friend’s comment on Monday’s newsletter?
A: How did you know?
Q: Your friend and talented cartoonist
wrote, “A much needed laugh this morning. All praise the Emperor of Death,” a response that played along with your recent piece I, for one, have never been critical of the Emperor of Death, mocking those who fall in line with the New Fascists. Then you kept the bit going and replied to her comment with “I knew you were on the right side of history (the side where it ends). Praise be.” And then, like, minutes later you sent today’s newsletter, “The right side of history (the side where it ends)”.A: What can I say? My subscribers are my greatest influencers. Plus, I like to test out ideas in the comments. Take note, strangers to the comment section! This newsletter is a living, breathing thing.
Q: Speaking of which, does this count as a newsletter? It’s not really a letter, and you’re not exactly delivering the news.
A: What would you call it?
Q: I don’t know. Something else.
A: Maybe just something?
Q: Sure, something.
A: It’s always something.
Q: And it’s right here.
Be on the right side of history. Order a copy of This Won’t Help
My award-winning essay collection This Won’t Help is the perfect way to show the world that you’re on the end right side of history—so order in bulk! Don’t want to buy it online? Great thinking. Go to your local bookstore and ask them to purchase copies of my book in extremely high volume.
Here’s what some kind folks have said about This Won’t Help:
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